My Contribution(s) to the World of Music

TrippingBilly · Unread post by **TrippingBilly** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 7:58 pm

Grey Street Cover (Lillywhite lyrics!

)
"A Paper Summer" -- an original by me

Feel free to add comments and whatever else you wanna get out of your systems.

Liz

DustyDave · Unread post by **DustyDave** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 8:04 pm

Since i've already heard them , and you know my opinion

I will suggest everyone to download them , they are great

Great playing , comfortable voice , its great

fatjack · Unread post by **fatjack** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 8:41 pm

yay, another recording female! now the other sarah needs to come record, and rin just needs to come back period

your voice is really cool. its rather deep for a chick (but no so much that is masculates you :wink:

), so you could sing in the correct key and range on grey street! and it was on key! your playing on grey street was kind of boring though you should have strummed a little more to fill space, and the rhythm was shaky here and there. but overall it was a good job

and your original was really nice, the progression was interesting and you didn't sound sappy at all with your lyrics. i really enjoyed your vocal harmonies, nice touch. and i give you an A+ for effort on the guitar solo, you dont hear to many females pull one of those out, but the solo itself had a few mistakes which you could have worked out if you took a different take. i liked it. it gets a 7/10

TrippingBilly · Unread post by **TrippingBilly** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 9:34 pm

Thanks -- well, you know, it's my first few times recording, and I still haven't been able to work out the few glitches still inherent in the system...I can only improve.

Liz

fatjack · Unread post by **fatjack** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 9:41 pm

TrippingBilly wrote:Thanks -- well, you know, it's my first few times recording, and I still haven't been able to work out the few glitches still inherent in the system...I can only improve.

Liz

i hope that you do, because that was pretty durn good

DustyDave · Unread post by **DustyDave** » Fri Dec 19, 2003 12:14 am

Do you mean Darn good FJ ? I'll have to make a :lol:

face everytime i think you mess up

People whats wrong with you , get in here and give some Feedback , its one of the females for crying out loud , be gentlemen and respect the few females we have on the boards

Coldchillin · Unread post by **Coldchillin** » Fri Dec 19, 2003 12:46 am

I think he meant to spell it that way so it's pronounced differently. But you're Danish, what do you know! Good recordings to be on topic. It's nice to hear a female.

DustyDave · Unread post by **DustyDave** » Fri Dec 19, 2003 1:07 am

I know alot more than you think :lol:

For instance what you're saying : " what do you know " is directed as a question , which should be put with a ? and not a ! or in another case !?!? So there eat that :lol:

Coldchillin · Unread post by **Coldchillin** » Fri Dec 19, 2003 1:14 am

haha. Got me there. I usually am pretty dead on with grammar. I got caught up in the moment...I feel like a horse's ass

DustyDave · Unread post by **DustyDave** » Fri Dec 19, 2003 1:23 am

I appreciate proper grammar too , and you're one of the first i see on the boards who actually starts with a capital letter after an ending sign

Nice

isaac · Unread post by **isaac** » Fri Dec 19, 2003 4:31 am

my grammar sucks, but i don't really care nor notice. after years of writing poetry, it does that to you. i only capitalize anymore when writing formally, but even then i find it trite and dull. the english language is overly-complicated and has one of the most confusing system of rules in terms of writing and speaking.

anyway, back to liz, first off i just noticed that you used the term "smack dab" and you're in the center of something too. uh...just relating. hehe.

i only listened to the original and i most definitely liked it. the song reminded me a lot of dashboard, seems like a mix of Age Six Racer and A Plain Morning (if i remember the song titles right) but that's not necessarily a bad thing, because those are his more listenable tunes, so the music was good, but as fatjack said there are some things that could be polished and worked on because you messed up a few times, but that's all right. nothing you can't fix, but i'm not the best critique on this as my own music's rather pale in comparison.

in terms of lyrics, which i latched on to, they were really good, but could use some more work in refinement to make them even better. it's very nice to hear some literacy and at the least, some small effort put into making lyrics interesting. listening to cliche and trite metaphor is exhausting on a listener. the only thing that nagged me about the lyrics is that the lyrics after the opening aren't as thought-provoking nor as strong.

"once a paper rose colored summer
all too soon we'll have to say good-bye
to the stories of your platonic desperation
as the tears slowly fade from your eyes."

these are only suggestions, but i think the rhyme scheme limits your already interesting vocabulary. work on messing around with the structure of the lines themselves, and don't fall into too much of a forced rhyme scheme as it seems that it is at times. yes, it adds musical quality to it, but with an imminent potential of having some great, strong lyrics, it shouldn't be at the cost of that, plus so many people have heard rhyming before, and it's old. try something like:

"in a paper rose colored summer
good-byes were soon let loose from our tongues
for the stories of your platonic desperation
as the tears fade from your technicolor sky"

not necessarily the best change, but i think you can see that things can be worked around to be more interesting and also imagery can be more vivid. the rhyme scheme later on pushes you back into plainness,

"sometimes you think of dancing in the rain
to hide the hollow pain of loneliness and tears
with a pleasant sigh you gaze at me with wonder
as you look back on all those happy years"

a little cliche, especially with the dancing in the rain. the line "hollow pain" is the strongest out of that entire stanza, and i think there could be more. the use of "sigh" is in stark contrast to that with it's pleasant tone, and you could work off of that. the ending line is far too cliche and almost too simple for what i know you could probably do.

it goes on like this for a while...just go back and read through and see which lines you can elevate above standard, because there are some really great strong points and then you fall back to a point of mediocrity at times.

i hope that helps, and i didn't mean to be harsh. you don't have to take any of the suggestions at all if you're satisfied with them, because they're just suggestions, of course, and you can't please everyone.

i'd love to hear a polished version of this, though. for what it is, it's great, but i'm sure it could be even better. keep recording.

7/10 chopsticks.

edit: oh yeah. you have a great voice. reminds me a lot of jane from Jason and Jane.

fatjack · Unread post by **fatjack** » Fri Dec 19, 2003 11:38 am

DustyDave wrote:Do you mean Darn good FJ ? I'll have to make a face everytime i think you mess up

People whats wrong with you , get in here and give some Feedback , its one of the females for crying out loud , be gentlemen and respect the few females we have on the boards

no, i meant DURN good. i'm from alabama and im allowed to use such colloquialisms. so you get the message for using the face unnecessarily.

:lol:

<^>('o')<^>

DustyDave · Unread post by **DustyDave** » Sat Dec 20, 2003 2:53 am

fatjack wrote:no, i meant DURN good. i'm from alabama and im allowed to use such colloquialisms. so you get the message for using the face unnecessarily.

<^>('o')<^>

borocks · Unread post by **borocks** » Sat Dec 20, 2003 9:05 am

Hey Liz

Ich hab mir gerade deine Version von Grey Street angehört und es gefällt mir das Lied von einer Frauenstimme gesungen zu hören. Klingt stark.
Mit den tiefen Tönen hast du manchmal ein wenig Mühe aber alle hohen Tönen tönen sehr klar und auch emotional. Der Teil von 4:26 bis 4:50 ist der Hammer!

Dein Gitarrenspiel tönt ziemlich solide, obwohl ich das Strumming mit den Unterbrüchen in der Strophe ein bisschen weniger mag als das konstante Auf und Ab mit gedämften Schlägen dazwischen... Aber du hast wenig bis keine Fehler drin, was wiederum für dich spricht!

Weiter so

Boris

DMBFan63 · Unread post by **DMBFan63** » Sat Dec 20, 2003 9:23 am

I usually start my posts with a capital letter too!

Yea, both were pretty good.. i think more strumming for Grey Street would've been better. It seemed to drag on for the first minute of it, then it picked up a bit.. good job overall

DMBTabs.com

My Contribution(s) to the World of Music

My Contribution(s) to the World of Music

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