Song I started today

[mbent4679]

I decided to forget my last projects for now. Apperently the lyrics need severe revision. This is still rusty I recorded it about ten times and this the best one so far.

Excuse the empty guitar jam at the end I wanna have my buddy record some piano to it.

http://www.sendspace.com/file/oebckk

See this girl
smiling innocently
little you know
she's not what she seems
tells you things
you know arn't true
but she's the queen
and your her fool

I know all her faults
I will sit in all the
salty tears I will fear
eventually she'll move on to you

Once again
it's her soft eyes
tells you things
you can't deny
One thing about her
I know is true
I was happy being her fool

But she said the me
let me go
It's better off this way
But I disagreed with her
she said just let me go
what I'd do for
just one night
just one moment
we could mend this
we could live in bliss
but I watched her walk away

[mbent4679]

Anything?

[mangold]

definetly one of your better pieces. the lyrics are infinitely better than anything else ive seen from you.

i would suggest changing the song to the third person, having phrases like "move on to you" kinda closes it up. try making it move on to him

the last verse is a little narrative for me.

But she said the me
let me go
It's better off this way
But I disagreed with her
she said just let me go
what I'd do for
just one night
just one moment

the above is by far the weakest section,

overall i really do like this.

[hofdaddy]

Let me go she said
let me go she said
let me go she said
and I will want you

[mbent4679]

definetly one of your better pieces. the lyrics are infinitely better than anything else ive seen from you.

i would suggest changing the song to the third person, having phrases like "move on to you" kinda closes it up. try making it move on to him

the last verse is a little narrative for me.

But she said the me
let me go
It's better off this way
But I disagreed with her
she said just let me go
what I'd do for
just one night
just one moment

the above is by far the weakest section,

overall i really do like this.

That's really funny cause I was thinkin bout that "him" thing , last night, before I went to bed. Was planing on changing the last verse anyway. Just some quick words so I could get a feel for the melody line.

[mbent4679]

Let me go she said
let me go she said
let me go she said
and I will want you

[mbent4679]

that it? just mangold?

[mangold]

that it? just mangold?

its so great to be appreciated.

[a1075dd63aa12]

Let me go she said
let me go she said
let me go she said
and I will want you

let the man be hof, god damn. you dont fuck with art.

[mbent4679]

Let me go she said
let me go she said
let me go she said
and I will want you

let the man be hof, god damn. you dont fuck with art.

Agian the only one makin any sense hear is mangold. But honestly any other critisism. Although I argue I take whatever you guys say into consideration. Come on let me know I'm Dying Give me something. Well if I dont' get any thing else thnx mangold I'll have the final posted by tomarrow.

[HumbleMonkey]

i like the voice, lyrically it doesnt do anything really for me.

[mbent4679]

Nothin else I don't know what to work of off here. I highly doubt this is a good song. It took one day to wright for gods sake.
A slow board or what?

[lyrics101]

"Sorry, the free service is at full capacity."

[mbent4679]

"Sorry, the free service is at full capacity."

http://download.yousendit.com/939BB7834CF6CFBC

this link should work

[Appfro]

honestly, i'm not a fan of the verses, but i love teh chorus. the verses are too...rhyming for me. and it might just be the true fool rhyme, just seems too obvious maybe.

chorus is solid though.

and don't feel bad about people not listening, it takes a while. honest to god. one day you might post one and get three pages, one day you might post one and get 4 responses. don't get offended. people live their lives outside of the boards and sometimes it takes a while for them to listen. doesn't mean no one liked it i promise.