Don't think I ever posted this original...

[lyrics101]

The Anniversary Party (or, Heartbreak For Children)

http://synergizement.com/music/anniversaryparty.mp3

I'd like to redo the ending, possibly, although it grows on me the more I listen to it. Something a bit more "epic" and grandiose, I suppose. This song is about a year old, and I've had it sitting around -- just never perfected it. Came around when I was listening to a lot of Interpol, Talking Heads, and Incubus, and reading a lot of E. E. Cummings.

If you don't like ambience and techno beats, you might not like the production style, but I always thought it was a good song, anyway. Lemme know what you think.

LYRICS:

exasperated, full of dead weight -- overweight and useless
lead inside; an android, full of sweat, a scent of
paranoia, toothless in fifty years, chained to
chemicals and fast food; a job inside a ghetto
of cubicles; angry but sentimental; repetition;
never out of love, but swim in it.
drowned and suffocated, like a cat trapped in
a running shower: pale and paralyzed
a codine prick

sentimental and romantic. a stuck pig, walking
trap for wanting, wanting cleaner work space.
nautious gossip hag: laughable, so don't think
breathing only out of habit; hold it till you can't

first one to the noose-- first one if i had a say
cut lose; "don't mean it!" still complain like you always did
teeth marks on your chin "you psycho worthless hag!"
"i'll tear your face!" blackboard fingernails
an overdose of codine, another shot of bourbon

we'll stuff you like a pig if you mess with us
they'll eat you alive in this town kid

[lyrics101]

All the critiquing I do, and twenty-nine "views"...?

[ut4ever8]

i have to go to class in about 10 minutes, ill give it a listen this afternoon

[checkii]

All the critiquing I do, and twenty-nine "views"...?

it sounded very Dashboard esque. Didnt hear too much meaning in the lyrics. the drum beat was awful, i think it would sound much better just on its own. Vocals need work, but for what you are going for they arent too far off. the vocal line klind of drags on without enough variation. Same for the guitar, not enough change for me to keep my ears intrigued.

I'd really like to hear it just acoustic with you projecting more, stretchign your range a bit, it could be a cool tune. that drum beat just ruined it for me, sounded like it was made on an 8-0-8 in a few seconds.

[Speenis]

I agree with checkii for the most part...the thing that killed me the most was the monotonous of the vocals. At first I thought it was a pretty cool sound but it never really changed.

[ut4ever8]

i thought the lyrics were fine, the drum beat is what kinda turned me off to it, it drowned out the rest of the song, if i didnt have the words in front of me it would have been pretty difficult to understand any of the words, i too would like to hear a simplified version.

[eliot1171]

For the most part I'm going to just focus on the vocals. The song in general sounded very ethereal. With that, the vocals seemed a little like a roller coaster slowly going up and down over and over. Your voice didn't sound bad, its just the melody that it followed was bland. Also the la la la part in the middle sounded a bit jumbled.

I thought the percussion was fine but it definitely needs to be turned down.

[lyrics101]

I appreciate the criticism guys, but I feel like I'm not making as obvious as it should be that the vocal parts are more a part of the instrumentation, abstract as it is, and more like a seperate riff underneath than something made to be listened to on top of it all. I, personally, hate vocals that scream, "Listen to my words, listen to my words!" The lyrics are there, spurned by something, existing as they do for a reason, but only if you're looking to investigate.

But I'll take all comments into consideration, and I do appreciate the time.

[ut4ever8]

i didnt think the problem was in the way the words were phrased or anything, i just thought they were drowned out by everything else and too hard to hear.

[Lbacker]

I just listented to it. It sounded kinda like Radiohead, but i feel it can def. do without the drum beat thing like every 5 seconds or so...it makes it sound too urban if u know what i mean. I think this song really needs a hook, a chorus, that gets smooth with your voice changing also. Add a hook and then the other lyrics really won't matter, just make the hook sound good.

[mangold]

it just keepa going, very little variation, no separation of parts, it just has this menotonus droning feel to it.

I cant really get a sense of it with all the effects. i would love to hear it straight up guitar and vocals. imo if a song cant hold its own stripped down to its base form, any effects, instruments, and production on top is just make up.

if youre going for this radiohead/beck feel, you have to get a strong foundation first. look at any song of a similar style to this that is decent, it can hold its own and was probably written on one acoustic guitar.

keep posting please

[Appfro]

this is definitely my least favorite out of the the things i've heard from you. aside from the comments made, the vocals were a bit weak, almost like the song was just out of your reach.

plus ambiguous lyrics are good to a point, and then you just lose the ability to connect w/ the listener. i would rather hear ambiguous lyrics than hear lyrics that spell out everything that the writer is talking about, but when it gets so abstract that it loses the ability for me to add my own meanings to it, i get frustrated.

either way, i've heard plenty of good stuff from you, i would just work on the application of the knowledge you have about lyrics.

[mbent4679]

The lyrics in the begging ran on to long. They clashed together and wern't as rythmatic as they could be. The ending is fine though. Repitition of the word weight sould be changed. Try going somewhere else with the vocal melody after the first bar. It's to repetitive. People who right lyrics with out the music first tend to have an everchanging melody line to match it to beat more effectivley

[RunsWithBuffalo]

I liked this. Lots of the suggestions above are good, but i wouldnt make this a more acoustic sound. I've noticed that most people on this board have a real love of acoustic music so this may be a little off putting. It reminded me a lot of Thom Yorke's The Eraser. The lyrics are distant and maybe not meant to be understood which is cool.

I do really like the soundscape you have created here, very cool, and i love the techno beat. Oh and the line "chained to chemicals and fast food" is really good

[lyrics101]

Thanks guys. When I get some free time I'll rework it see how much I can improve upon it. Maybe come up with a hook, lol.

I haven't heard that Eraser album yet, but I've heard good things about it; I'll check it out.

As far as off-putting music goes, that's why I don't post things like this:

http://synergizement.com/music/cuttin%2 ... s%20up.mp3

lol, Give it up for vinyl.