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mbent4679 · Unread post by **mbent4679** » Wed Jan 03, 2007 9:00 pm

but your probably right about hte 2000 years ago part i got stuck and never spent the time to fix it.

mangold · Unread post by **mangold** » Wed Jan 03, 2007 9:19 pm

im not trying to be a dick. im giving you my opinion. if i said you were a horrible musician and never had a chance then id be a dick. im just saying that these lyrics have quite a few issues that need attention.

i hate my lyrics too btw, just because i can recognize problems doesnt mean i can fix em

and the bigger problem is not with your small errors, but with the overall message it appears you are trying to send. here I'll go line by line:

"brain is locked" - worded like either a child or one of mr deed's hallmark cards. no personal attachment to the listener or yourself, bad attention grabber.

"drugs are the key can't figure out" - contradiction within the line, if drugs are the key what is there to figure out? puts drugs in a positive light whereas the first line implies the song will be a negative toned one.

"what the fucks the matter with me" - nebulous common phrase, pointless vulgarity, does nothing to add to the message of the song, also very disconnected, does increase the negative tone, again sending mixed messages to the listener.

"all these choices I make/I hope there the best" - sounds like its from a song about indecision and deep logical self evaluation which is not the tone of your song at all (i think)

"one day I'll climb out of the hole and clean up all the mess" - very positive line, again contradictory to the negative tone aforementioned. syntax contradiction is not a problem, but we write songs to get a message across, you are sending a very mixed one

"cause I, I get high every single day of my life" - far too narrative, no meaning

"as I try to obliged with this simple life this bull shit" i dont know what the hell this means, but i think youre saying drugs help you get over everyday life, which has nothing to do with choices or things locked in your brain or problems with you

"wake up again/get high with my friend/I will be getting high until the end" - also very narrative with no point. what the hel does this have to do with anything? you have very little time to send a message to a listener with a song, you cannot waste a single word

"when i'm alone/I twist up that bone/I will be smokin that shit to the dome" - I assume twist up the bone is a drug reference, but ive never heard it, and i dont understand the dome line at all, but something tells me its nothing worthwhile understanding

"Walk around talk around all these people say" - and here it switches from a "personal song" to some popularity vanity thing about how others percieve you, which could be worked in there some other way

"watcha got on your brain/can't you see i'm not the same I was (what felt like) 2,000 years ago" - i dont even know. my brain and criticism bone hurt.

theres my opinion on how you can improve. dont ask for crits and then get pissed when im honest

Easy E · Unread post by **Easy E** » Wed Jan 03, 2007 9:22 pm

im staying out of this one

mangold · Unread post by **mangold** » Wed Jan 03, 2007 9:38 pm

ok i dl'd and listened to it, youre a decent guitar player and have a pretty good voice. i do like the rhythm of this song

Easy E · Unread post by **Easy E** » Wed Jan 03, 2007 9:38 pm

mangold wrote:ok i dl'd and listened to it, youre a decent guitar player and have a pretty good voice. i do like the rhythm of this song

yeah its good when you cant understand the lyrics

mbent4679 · Unread post by **mbent4679** » Wed Jan 03, 2007 10:00 pm

What if it accuratly displays my mixed emotion at the time i was goin threw this. addiction is confusing and so isn't the song. youl'll notice at the end of the song i through two light sounding chords with to rougher chords in contrast. to show an lmost manic feel for the reader. but mabye the song sounds to uplifting to display this.

mangold · Unread post by **mangold** » Wed Jan 03, 2007 10:06 pm

mbent4679 wrote:What if it accuratly displays my mixed emotion at the time i was goin threw this. addiction is confusing and so isn't the song. youl'll notice at the end of the song i through two light sounding chords with to rougher chords in contrast. to show an lmost manic feel for the reader. but mabye the song sounds to uplifting to display this.

then you should have had a cohesive, consistent tone of confusion, not a hodgepodge of random lyrics.

i didnt get an addiction vibe at all

on a side note and not to offend, is english your 2nd language? i cant overlook the use of "isn't" "through" and "reader"

mbent4679 · Unread post by **mbent4679** » Wed Jan 03, 2007 10:07 pm

As long as you under stand me thats all i care about

mangold · Unread post by **mangold** » Wed Jan 03, 2007 10:09 pm

is that in reference to the song or your post grammar?

mbent4679 · Unread post by **mbent4679** » Wed Jan 03, 2007 10:11 pm

post grammer

Easy E · Unread post by **Easy E** » Wed Jan 03, 2007 10:13 pm

a1075dd63aa12 · Unread post by **a1075dd63aa12** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 2:17 am

mbent4679 wrote:What if it accuratly displays my mixed emotion at the time i was goin threw this. addiction is confusing and so isn't the song. youl'll notice at the end of the song i through two light sounding chords with to rougher chords in contrast. to show an lmost manic feel for the reader. but mabye the song sounds to uplifting to display this.

nope i caught it, you hit the nail on the head my friend, nail on the mother fucking head, oooh fuck yea.

and were you addicted to weed? taking the shit to the dome and what not?

mbent4679 · Unread post by **mbent4679** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 8:22 am

All right mabye your right I'm from mass your dome is to your head or by yourself forgot about lingo mabye thats why people here like the song.

mbent4679 · Unread post by **mbent4679** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 8:32 am

mangold wrote:
mbent4679 wrote:So what don't you like about it? I'd like to know so I can improve.
well your lyrics are empty, pointlessly vulgar, contradictory, riddled with very simple structure, cliche imagery, improper use of "obliged", some phrases i dont understand, and some vague reference to 2000 years ago...

ever think about going pro as a rapper? you'd kick some ass

and for the record the last comment you made was a low blow and unpreductive. It was a dick thing to say. I would open up to your opinions more if you didn't display them in a juvinial manor. Comments like these ruins the concept of boards.

Pizzle · Unread post by **Pizzle** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 8:44 am

mbent4679 wrote:
mangold wrote:
mbent4679 wrote:So what don't you like about it? I'd like to know so I can improve.
well your lyrics are empty, pointlessly vulgar, contradictory, riddled with very simple structure, cliche imagery, improper use of "obliged", some phrases i dont understand, and some vague reference to 2000 years ago...

ever think about going pro as a rapper? you'd kick some ass
and for the record the last comment you made was a low blow and unpreductive. It was a dick thing to say. I would open up to your opinions more if you didn't display them in a juvinial manor. Comments like these ruins the concept of boards.

mbent has a point, once you figure out what he said...

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