My first posting of an original - "Neptune Summer"

TimmyJ4140 · Unread post by **TimmyJ4140** » Fri Dec 15, 2006 12:18 am

Well, here it is. Today I did my first recording of an original tune. I'm not gonna make excuses (lacking the full band, recorded vocals/guitar with a shitty dynamic mic . . . oh, wait . . .

), I'm just gonna put it out there. Guitar, piano, strings, and vocals. Without further adieu, I present to you . . .

Neptune Summer by Tim J.

Tear it to shreds. :lol:

lyrics101 · Unread post by **lyrics101** » Sat Dec 16, 2006 6:48 pm

Very, very pretty. Very pretty. No, really. Pretty.

I'm not sure what a Neptune Summer is... but y'know.

With the panning on the guitar & piano, I almost want (if you have a matrix reverb) the vocals pulled back in the 'phones just a bit, to fill out the middle, instead of just sitting on top of it all like it is.

I'll elaborate and delve further into semantics when I'm not so tired.

mangold · Unread post by **mangold** » Sun Dec 17, 2006 12:16 am

just for the record, GOD how i hate sendspace.

now the tune:

beautifully produced, i dont think anyone can hold a candle to your production quality, so im not gonna touch that. its incredible i dont want it to blind me to the meat of the song.

Writing: The song is fairly boringly composed, very simple progression and vocal rhythm. very predictable, you can do better. The lyrics bug the hell out of me honestly. They are way to whimsical for me, way too lovey dovey, and what the hell is a neptune summer? too many cliche lines "its falling down around me" "we're together can this be happening to me" and then the repeating of "can this be happening to me" etc. they are also way to narrative imo, i.e. "i would have shook my head no" that is such a blunt way of getting your message across, make it sound better, give it a hook.

You played and sang it perfectly, i know this post sounds harsh but thats only because i see no need to praise that which you do right: performing and producing. ill focus on what i think you can do better with.

TimmyJ4140 · Unread post by **TimmyJ4140** » Sun Dec 17, 2006 1:02 am

Thanks for listenin' fellas, always appreciated.

Hey Andy, I absolutely agree with you on it being fairly sappy and blunt. I was fairly hesitant to record it because I actually wrote this for the full band I was playing with this summer, it's a lot more intricate and in-depth musically than this recording gets across, lots of cool drum changes and definitive guitar riffs and stuff, which helped carry the song a lot better than this recording does. Unfortunatly we're not playing together anymore, so I lack the means to get a recording that'll actually capture what I had in my head compositionally. But thanks for the honesty bro, nothing is ever too harsh. :thumbsup:

mangold · Unread post by **mangold** » Sun Dec 17, 2006 4:31 am

TimmyJ4140 wrote:Thanks for listenin' fellas, always appreciated.

Hey Andy, I absolutely agree with you on it being fairly sappy and blunt. I was fairly hesitant to record it because I actually wrote this for the full band I was playing with this summer, it's a lot more intricate and in-depth musically than this recording gets across, lots of cool drum changes and definitive guitar riffs and stuff, which helped carry the song a lot better than this recording does. Unfortunatly we're not playing together anymore, so I lack the means to get a recording that'll actually capture what I had in my head compositionally. But thanks for the honesty bro, nothing is ever too harsh.

see i know what youre saying, and im sure this would kick ass with a full band, but what im saying is no matter how many kickass people you have playing on this song, youre only putting more and more makeup on it. at its core its still the same song. If a song cant carry itself with one man and one guitar, in my opinion, it needs to be reworked. I cant imagine how mind-blowingly awesome a song would be if it was written well and interestingly and then you produced the shit out of it like this one.

this is just the opinion of one man. the millions of people buying ryan cabrerra, ashley simpson, nick lachey, and james blunt albums hold instrumentals and production over lyrical value, and even though most of the people on that lists sound negative i dont mean to say that youre headed down a bad road, im only saying that there are some artists who focus on instrumentals, and some on lyrics. Only when an artist can combine the two (dave, the counting crows, coldplay, damien rice) do they, in my opinion, become truly great. You are really the only person ive heard on these boards that has one half of that equation. Unfortunately, it is the other half that is far more rare.

hope i got my point across.

TimmyJ4140 · Unread post by **TimmyJ4140** » Sun Dec 17, 2006 10:26 am

Yeah, I totally get your point, and completely agree that a song usually should be able to stand alone with one guy and one instrument. I'll see what I can do in terms of the lyrics. The music I wanna keep fairly the same, I love it's simplicity, and that chord structure of the verses (G, Gsus4,6, Gmaj7, Csus2). Thanks again bro. :thumbsup:

TimmyJ4140 · Unread post by **TimmyJ4140** » Sun Dec 17, 2006 10:26 am

And yeah, I own James Blunt and Ashlee Simpson. :oops:

GreedylilPig · Unread post by **GreedylilPig** » Sun Dec 17, 2006 11:44 am

Sounds great, Tim. Very impressed with recording quality and your rhythm.

Your vocals are well above average but I think you could improve on your flow, if that makes sense. Your beginnings and endings of lines seem a little bit flat to my ear at a few points throughout the song.

In my opinion, this song's major overall weakness is the bridge, lyrically and musically. I must agree with the comments regarding the lyrics thus far and while you mentioned you were planning to turn this into a full band intricate production, as Andy said, it's still the same song at the core.

But again, I'm impressed as usual and while this is definitely a respectable recording, I think you're capable of much better material, especially lyrically.

AustinG · Unread post by **AustinG** » Sun Dec 17, 2006 1:42 pm

The quality of your recording is really something to comment on... Very clean.. May I ask what mixer you're using, or what your gear is?...

I really like the synths you used in the background, I thought they balanced the sound out.. I'd like to hear some bass to fatten it up a bit...

There's a deep piano note at about 3:47, that I think needs to be heard more throughout the song... maybe I hear it so much because I want to hear a bass in the song..

I disagree about you're bridge, I liked it, I just thought the one around 3:50 sounded better than the earlier ones...

All in all I liked the music and your quality again is very nice.. something that I've been scheming on and hopefully have a piece done for everyone soon.. I just bought a new Mackie Onyx... loves it...

Vocally, I really don't have much to complain about, I thought maybe there may have been a part that was briefly flat, but that's freakin nitpicking that nobody is going to hear, I had to literally search for it

Lyrically, one can always argue in either direction. Yes I think they can be crafted a little better.. but all in due time.. Keep it up, hope to hear more originals from ya soon.

ut4ever8 · Unread post by **ut4ever8** » Sun Dec 17, 2006 8:58 pm

i liked it alot tim, im not much of a songwriter so i cant give much advice but i will say that the parts i liked the most were the simplicity of the song, and the fact that i dont know what the hell a neptune summer is, its cool to leave that up for any listener to interpret on thier own.

TimmyJ4140 · Unread post by **TimmyJ4140** » Tue Dec 19, 2006 11:51 pm

Hey, thanks for listening fellas, I appreciate it. Were there specific parts of the song that you think were weak lyrically? Or just overall? I thought the first verse wasn't too bad, the chorus too, but I'm biased. Any other thoughts?

mangold · Unread post by **mangold** » Wed Dec 20, 2006 12:04 am

TimmyJ4140 wrote:Hey, thanks for listening fellas, I appreciate it. Were there specific parts of the song that you think were weak lyrically? Or just overall? I thought the first verse wasn't too bad, the chorus too, but I'm biased. Any other thoughts?

friended you on myspace btw. non sequitur i know

Appfro · Unread post by **Appfro** » Wed Dec 20, 2006 12:18 am

how do i describe this....not sure

let's say that you were pretending to act like pee wee herman...let's say you used that voice and sang w/ it. now, please don't get me wrong, i'm not syaing you sound like pee wee herman :lol:

what i'm saying is that if you used that throat voice to try to sound like pee wee, that's the throat voice you're using for this song.

the funny thing is, you're completely in tune. your pitch is almost perfect. but you're doing this weird thing w/ your voice and it's not coming out natural. the only way i know how to describe it, is to compare it to someone trying to do a pee wee herman impression...hope that's not offending you, but what i'm saying is, don't sing from your throat. your pitch and key is so good, you need to put diagphram behind it and stop singing from your throat...maybe, loosen up your vocals. i don't know, maybe lyrics101 can describe it better if he hears the same thing, i don't know how to describe it.

the song itself, sounds like a soft staind song. again, i can't really say what i'm thinking, it just won't come out, but if a song line is coming and i know what's coming, i feel that it's dissapointing.

ie.
"i looked up at the sky"
"i felt that i was flying ....." (high?) that's what i was thinking.
your lyrics aren't on that level of...predictability, but they are predictable. read some of the stuff that lyrics wrote in my thread (unforgivable) about lyric writing, it's amazing stuff)

basically, write what you feel. don't try to make it rhyme or fit or blah blah blah. afterwards, fix it so that it'll work in a song. that's pretty much how i do it.

to end this since it seems like i'm critiquing every part of this song...i love the music. it flows so nicely, i think you can do great things w/ it. just keep it going and keep trying.

TimmyJ4140 · Unread post by **TimmyJ4140** » Wed Dec 20, 2006 12:25 am

Hey Mitchster, thanks for the comments. It's funny you mention that about the sound of my voice, I've never been a fan of recording my voice, for several reasons. First and foremost, I do all my vocals with a cheap shitty dynamic mic, which doesn't help to begin with. I'm also recording through a somewhat noisy interface, so I constantly use a nosie reduction filter on the vocal track (other tracks too) to reduce the hiss, and usually it's not that bad, but this particular recording the only cable I had to use was an XLR to 1/4, which had lower gain, so I had to turn it up higher, which increased the noise, which in turn had me use a higher noise reduction filter, thus killing whatever sound my voice had. Anyhoo, that was fairly long-winded, but I'm incredibly unhappy with my vocals on this one, because of all that. </justification>

With regards to the songwriting, I'm gonna tackle it again, keep some of them, but change some of the others, I'll try to get another recording up sometime soon.

And yeah, Mitch, I read what was said in your thread, good good stuff in there. Thanks again bro. :thumbsup:

TimmyJ4140 · Unread post by **TimmyJ4140** » Wed Dec 20, 2006 12:27 am

In case that wasn't clear at all, it was the noise reduction filter that made my voice sound like that. I usually have a fairly strong voice. </conceitedness>

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My first posting of an original - "Neptune Summer"

My first posting of an original - "Neptune Summer"

Re: My first posting of an original - "Neptune Summer&a

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