New original - Fire Trucks

[Trippin Hillbilly]

I wrote this song recently. I want to point out that this was done in one take just to get it down so there are plenty of mistakes, guitar and vocally so i'm just looking for crit of the song writing.

fire trucks

I don't normally post these but, lyrics:

picture a world, not so cold
with silly faces and firetrucks
remember the words, remember the songs
screaming our names into papercups
remember travelling through right and wrongs
remember thinking we've gone too far
picture a world not so cold

don't let go
block them out
forget the voices in your head for a night
say what you will
say what you might
just don't say no, don't give without a fight

you tell yourself off
you tell yourself lies
tell yourself everything will come time
don't let go
block them out

I swear that the moon is looking right at me
making faces and playing tricks on me
remembering rhymes, remembering songs
screaming our names at the top of our lungs
remember travelling through right and wrongs
remember thinking we've come too far
picture a world no so cold

don't let go
block them out
forget the voices in your head for a night
say what you will
say what you might
just don't say no, don't give without a fight

you tell yourself off
you tell yourself lies
tell yourself everything will come time
don't let go
block them out

[afurth]

wow... hauntingly beautiful. i love the minimalist fingerpicking - really gives you a template to tell your story - which you do well.

i enjoyed it. liked the site, too.

[Appfro]

i liked it. i dont' have too much to say about it. you seemed to struggle on a few parts of the vocals. especially the line at 1:42 and the matching line in the second chorus. you come up a bit timidly and your vocals pay the consequences. i say hit that one a bit louder and stronger. but maybe back off the mic so you can keep the quiet about the song. but i only bring it up because i'm more picky w/ you

i didn't like this line
just don't say no, don't give without a fight

i wasn't reading the lyrics while listening and i still guessed where it was going. plus, it sounds like you're rushing the syllables. just my 2 cents

other than those two things, i liked it. good job

[RunsWithBuffalo]

I like the overall composition of the song as well as the fingerpicking. Very cool. Of course the song is young and you'll figure out how to smooth out the vocals in time so i wont comment on them.

My only critique is in the chorus

don't let go
block them out
forget the voices in your head for a night
say what you will
say what you might
just don't say no, don't give without a fight

The lines in italics i think need work. I really think you should just shorten them. Somthing like this:

don't let go
block them out
forget the voices
say what you will
say what you might
don't give without a fight

Throws off the rhyme scheme a little but i think it really helps the meter.

Good job though, good luck[/b]

[TriPPin'BiLLies']

This is not really my taste of music, its a little to slow for me but youre voice is just incredible. It sounds so original and it sounds so good in this song. I like the lyrics i wouldnt change much except maybe what buffalo said, its always good to experiment. My favorite line is remember travelling through right and wrongs when you sing right it just sounded so good. I like how the chorus picks up, overall like always, a great job.

[Trippin Hillbilly]

wow... hauntingly beautiful. i love the minimalist fingerpicking - really gives you a template to tell your story - which you do well.

i enjoyed it. liked the site, too.

Thank you

i liked it. i dont' have too much to say about it. you seemed to struggle on a few parts of the vocals. especially the line at 1:42 and the matching line in the second chorus. you come up a bit timidly and your vocals pay the consequences. i say hit that one a bit louder and stronger. but maybe back off the mic so you can keep the quiet about the song. but i only bring it up because i'm more picky w/ you

i didn't like this line
just don't say no, don't give without a fight

i wasn't reading the lyrics while listening and i still guessed where it was going. plus, it sounds like you're rushing the syllables. just my 2 cents

other than those two things, i liked it. good job

Thanks Mitch.
There are alot of mistakes but like i said, this was just a recording i did in one take so that i wouldn't forget the melody.

I get what you're saying about "just don't say no, don't give without a fight". I thought that was kinda shit too.
I'm gonna try making a decent recording of this soon.

I like the overall composition of the song as well as the fingerpicking. Very cool. Of course the song is young and you'll figure out how to smooth out the vocals in time so i wont comment on them.

My only critique is in the chorus

don't let go
block them out
forget the voices in your head for a night
say what you will
say what you might
just don't say no, don't give without a fight

The lines in italics i think need work. I really think you should just shorten them. Somthing like this:

don't let go
block them out
forget the voices
say what you will
say what you might
don't give without a fight

Throws off the rhyme scheme a little but i think it really helps the meter.

Good job though, good luck[/b]

Thank you, I'll definately work on those lines.

This is not really my taste of music, its a little to slow for me but youre voice is just incredible. It sounds so original and it sounds so good in this song. I like the lyrics i wouldnt change much except maybe what buffalo said, its always good to experiment. My favorite line is remember travelling through right and wrongs when you sing right it just sounded so good. I like how the chorus picks up, overall like always, a great job.

Thanks.

[sfmartins]

I love the melody. You are really good on this man.

As already mentioned, the simplicity of the guitar is pretty cool and fits the melody perfectly.

Great man. You have THE gift...

[Trippin Hillbilly]

I love the melody. You are really good on this man.

As already mentioned, the simplicity of the guitar is pretty cool and fits the melody perfectly.

Great man. You have THE gift...

Obrigado senhor.

[dre]

i love your stuff miguel. keep em coming!

[sfmartins]

I love the melody. You are really good on this man.

As already mentioned, the simplicity of the guitar is pretty cool and fits the melody perfectly.

Great man. You have THE gift...

Obrigado senhor.

De nada!

[mangold]

Miguel,

this seems like a slight dpearture for you, but i think you should explore this Jose Gonzalez style more.

I think the song was written fine although some of the lyrics just dont fit in the rythym. i think your vocals were good as always.

its also obvious that this is a rough out, with time this will all fall into place and be fucking sweet. I would love to see this get harsher at the end with a twinge of damien rice/david ford.

keep em comin.