Original "One Last Time"

[HumbleMonkey]

simple, not necessarily completed just working on it checking feedback anyway

song: http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?a ... 6D155B71C4

lyrics:

One Last Time

And you, stood at the gate, said you can't wait
Yet now I'm here standing,
Tell me how the clocks turn different for you

And your, ships setting sail, won't you please tell
the reason for leaving
I'm wishing to sail away from this place too

And why does that innocent man cry
he was shot in the thigh by the FBI
Better have your sources straight before you start shooting

And the sweet, smell of perfume, that floats in this room
That makes my brain high
Won't you spend some time with me on this ride

And why, does the wise man wait, to receive his plate
The servings have already been dished out
If he is so wise why didnt he see this coming

And you stood in the door and was asking for more
I thought you were crazy but thats ok
Wild dreams come in all shapes and sizes

And now, I'm weary and lost, after carrying my cross
The time has come to settle down
Think I'll place my bet here on you now

[eliot1171]

I like the use of the harmonica, and you got a good sound from it. This sounds like very classical folk almost like Dylan's early stuff. It needs some sort of hook or chorus though. Thanks for the post.

[JCork]

I didnt download the songs, but I did read the lyrics. I thought they were very good but the "he was shot in the thigh by the FBI" line was too weak compared to the rest of the lyrical structure. thats just my opinion

[HumbleMonkey]

I didnt download the songs, but I did read the lyrics. I thought they were very good but the "he was shot in the thigh by the FBI" line was too weak compared to the rest of the lyrical structure. thats just my opinion

thanks, i agree with you too. that line laughs in my face but im not sure what i want to do with it yet, i just kept it that way for now.

but thanks i really appreciate it

[HumbleMonkey]

I like the use of the harmonica, and you got a good sound from it. This sounds like very classical folk almost like Dylan's early stuff. It needs some sort of hook or chorus though. Thanks for the post.

yes Dylan has influenced me greatly i must say.

thanks for the critique, ill try to work on some kind of hook

[Appfro]

you got some work to do man. i think the biggest problem i had was the timing. you get off a lot w/ your strumming hand. i understand the affect that having pauses between lyrics has, i really like the silence, but you have to be careful that you come back in at the right time or that you're off enough that it sounds like you meant to to do it and not htat you messed up. a good way to do that would be to come in later than you were supposed to, but slower than you were supposed to and slowly speed back up to normal speed. just an example.

your voice isn't bad, but you sing w/o emotion. i do a dylan influence, but even though he didn't have an amazing voice, but he had tons of emotion.

i liked the lyrics cept the fbi part just like the other guy.

[HumbleMonkey]

you got some work to do man. i think the biggest problem i had was the timing. you get off a lot w/ your strumming hand. i understand the affect that having pauses between lyrics has, i really like the silence, but you have to be careful that you come back in at the right time or that you're off enough that it sounds like you meant to to do it and not htat you messed up. a good way to do that would be to come in later than you were supposed to, but slower than you were supposed to and slowly speed back up to normal speed. just an example.

your voice isn't bad, but you sing w/o emotion. i do a dylan influence, but even though he didn't have an amazing voice, but he had tons of emotion.

i liked the lyrics cept the fbi part just like the other guy.

thanks, i agree with the emotion in my voice, its came along way from what it even used to be, but i know i have a lot more work to do

sorry about the confusion in your thread