new lyrics

[mrjones]

this part has only two chords. the start of the line is the first, and basically the last word is on a chord change. pretty basic
tell me what you think:

Dont do it all yourself
you know i could help
if you let me in side
open up your lips real wide
all i want is a taste
dont let it go to waste
just let me get a peek
of what the 2 of us might be
you wonder if im just a hack
but weve come to far to go back
girl you will find out soon
tommorrow morning's afternoon
im also so unsure
of what im waiting for
why dont you find out the next day
if you want to push away
right now you cant decide
whether to give me a try
you give me your excuse
one that you like to use

[proudestmonkey41]

not bad not bad, id like to hear it with the music. your first few lines gave me a flashback to the first time i heard Rapunzel. like i said, id be really interested to hear how it sounds

[RunsWithBuffalo]

As i read this I get an R&B vibe with the amount of rhyming going on. That's not a bad thing but like proudestmonkey said, I'd like to hear music with it.

I would try to work on some imagery and this section needs a little work:

just let me get a peek
of what the 2 of us might be
you wonder if im just a hack
but weve come to far to go back

peek and be don't really rhyme at all and that screws up your rhyme scheme. The next two lines sound a little forced. Maybe try something like:

we've come to far to go back
without you the night is too black...

I dunno work with it.
http://www.rhymezone.com is very helpful when you're stuck

good luck

[mrjones]

As i read this I get an R&B vibe with the amount of rhyming going on. That's not a bad thing but like proudestmonkey said, I'd like to hear music with it.

I would try to work on some imagery and this section needs a little work:

just let me get a peek
of what the 2 of us might be
you wonder if im just a hack
but weve come to far to go back

peek and be don't really rhyme at all and that screws up your rhyme scheme. The next two lines sound a little forced. Maybe try something like:

we've come to far to go back
without you the night is too black...

I dunno work with it.
http://www.rhymezone.com is very helpful when you're stuck

good luck

thanks, and yes the hack line was forced
i wasnt going to put it up there but then i thought i might as well