Original song lyrics . . .

[Jenns4Ever9501]

So, this is the 3rd song I've written, I have yet to refine the first two, 'cause they're not great, but I thought I'd share this one . . .

I first sang this maybe a year ago, I was playin' "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen, and just went off at the end, and words just started comin' out, it was a very very very angry and upsetting time for me for reasons I'd rather not discuss, and I haven't really touched the song since, but I thought I'd sit down, and take the little bits and pieces I had and turn them into somewhat distinct lyrics. Let me know what you think, it still needs refining.

"Rain" - Tim Jacobs

Rain . . . falls into an open grave
and it washes me away . . .
3 years blown away
and rain . . . pours over sightless eyes
it covers me in disguise
I can see the lies . . . .

When I read the words on the screen
i could feel the life slipping down away from me
being torn limb from limb
the man I was, I don't know him
anymore, and nevermore will he live, his soul has gone
the way of the wicked lies,
and wicked eyes, fall upon this empty grave
one in which a soul will never lay

and Rain . . . . . falls into an open grave
and it washes me away . . .
3 years blown away
and rain . . . pours over sightless eyes
it covers me in disguise
I can see the lies . . .

Defensive . . offensive . . .
thought i knew what love is
supposed to be, in front of me
an empty shell, I've known no greater hell
than this, what it is, is tearing right through my soul
I feel so cold, and I don't know where my future
lies, cold lies, wicked lies, and all I can feel is this

Rain . . . . falls into an open grave
and it washes me away . . .
3 years blown away
and rain . . . pours over sightless eyes
it covers me in disguise
I can see the lies . . . .

(howling)

chorus

outro

[mangold]

cha....right... umm you ok man? those are some scary as hell lyrics... pretty good tho


the line "cover me in disguise" seems redundant to me and its bothering me...

the line "thought i knew what love is" has a tense switch should be either "thought i knew what love was" or "though i know what love is"

really you have tense switches throughout the song, the chorus is present, verse 1 is mostly present a little past, and verse 2 is mostly past, the howling is passive voice always try to avoid that (adjusts glasses and snorts)

i would like to hear this recorded. maybe it will haunt my dreams.

[Jenns4Ever9501]

Hey, thanks for the feedback bro. Yes, I'm alright , this first came out about a year ago. Yeah, I know there are a bunch of rough spots, I haven't even looked at these particular lyrics since I wrote them down a few days ago, so I still gotta go back through them and smooth them out. I'll eventually get a recording up. Thanks again bro.

[whatshername]

i like them a lot

[Jenns4Ever9501]

i like them a lot

*blushing* Whit likes my vocals . . . Thanks Whitster.

[J_Clark]

i like them a lot

Nice lyrics. Yes, as many people said, you need to go back and fix the tense problems and what not. Overall, nice song! I would like to hear a recording of this!