3 Miles from Sunday: songs for critiquing.

[jsprang]

http://s44.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=09YL ... 70RSFRRRQQ


This is a song I wrote and recorded while in college. It's called "On a Cloud" and I wrote 2 versions of it per the advice of a songwriting teacher at the school. Here are the (original) lyrics of the song:

On A Cloud
by Robert Milton, Nathan Owen, and Jonathan Sprang

v. 1
I lie awake, I dream of you
Your lips so red, your eyes so blue
We dance alone, the moon upon us
And as I sleep I feel your touch

Chorus
If ever given the chance
To tell you how I feel
If I ever get the courage to speak
If my mind ever tells my lips to move
I would utter this

v. 2
I could lie on a cloud
I could watch the falling raindrops
I could kiss a star, swallow the night
But then I fall and all is gone

v. 3
My frightened eyes glance around me
Then peace overcomes these thoughts of fear.
For you are there right beside me
And in my arms I hold my dream.


c. 2000


Upon the advice of my teacher I changed the 2nd & 3rd verses to keep the tension found in the chorus.


v. 2
I could lie on a cloud
From there I see your falling teardrops
I could kiss your cheek, hold you tight
But when I wake you’re always gone

v. 3
My frightened eyes glance around me
For I know that you aren’t really here
But when I close my eyes you’re right beside me
And in my arms I hold my dream.


Let me know what you think.

http://s44.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=0QF5 ... C8GWAQG5SA

This song is by my band, 3 Miles From Sunday, live at a local coffee shop. At this point it is just a jam but eventually we will probably put some lyrics to it. Our lead guitarist has adjusted some of the licks so that it isn't as repeatitive. We are going to be laying down some tracks in a couple of weeks and I will post them then.

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http://www.myspace.com/3milesfromsunday

[Kahn]

Cool little jam. That's all I listened to. Pretty good lead guitar. I've heard better, but he's solid and didn't hit any sour notes. You guys are rockin.

[i am sam2]

well the first thing is obviously well thought out and put together...just isnt my type of stuff...at some points it reminds me of the "i had a dream, that i was 300 pounds" part of Brian Wilson

the jam is alright...i really love the mellow jammy feeling...

only critique: there isnt much underneath if that makes sense...i mean the lead and the drums are pretty prominent...but underneath there are a few bass notes, and that seems to be it. to me, that makes it sound a little empty. now, if you only have three people, then theres nothin you can really do about it, so dont worry about it. just notice that there arent meant 3-man jams out there (i.e. phish, grateful dead, etc. all have layers).

[jsprang]

Thanks for the input