Eden Please Critique (music now)

seanbryantkbq · Unread post by **seanbryantkbq** » Mon Mar 28, 2005 8:02 pm

wrote this the other day, its about how if the garden of eden were a person, how sad she would be at the world today.

Eden

Once upon a time
We walked a Garden Grove
Content within our mindset
That none of this would go

We slept without a care for war
Naked in our peace
Drunk off the blinding wine
Amidst the olive trees

Well summers warmth turned to fall
And chilled to the bone
The sin we’ve sewn is greater now
This garden’s burden is raging out

Even the angels get lonely sometimes
Drink from the water that turns into wine
Down streets of Eden we find broken wings
And a cold faith drowning

Now the world is all grown up
With a crown of jewels on
Beneath her smile its raining
A comfortable cold

Down the streets of Eden
A light now hardly shines
But the candles of these fallen souls
Lead us to remind

That Eden wasn’t always cold
In less hurried times
And stars lined our sidewalks
That appears so dark tonight

Even the angels get lonely sometimes
Drink from the water that turns into wine
Down streets of Eden we find broken wings
And a cold faith drowning

Maybe if we had a second more time
We’d change this future we lead to so blind
No matter the distance just carry me home
Pity our souls

Take me back to Eden
Save me, I’ve been blinded child
Take me back to Eden… no cry
Our meanings been defeated
The sin we’ve grown is running wild
Take me back to Eden

Take me back to Eden.

Kahn · Unread post by **Kahn** » Mon Mar 28, 2005 8:45 pm

Wow. Really poetic. its always tough for me to fit music into lyrics, but they sound deep. the garden grove line reminds me of sublime.

seanbryantkbq · Unread post by **seanbryantkbq** » Mon Mar 28, 2005 9:18 pm

yea i kinda wrote it thinking of different bands. anyone else?

Grandpagotgame · Unread post by **Grandpagotgame** » Mon Mar 28, 2005 9:52 pm

I'd say it would be a great poem, but I don't know about song. But it was very poetic

seanbryantkbq · Unread post by **seanbryantkbq** » Tue Mar 29, 2005 7:25 pm

anyone else

Dan5290 · Unread post by **Dan5290** » Tue Mar 29, 2005 11:02 pm

Great concept, that's really cool. Like others have said, it's really poetic, but I'm not sure how well it would fit in a song. Do you have any music for it yet? I'd like to hear it once it's finished.

a1075dd63aa12 · Unread post by **a1075dd63aa12** » Tue Mar 29, 2005 11:03 pm

its really good shit sean, longwinded and tough to structure but thats basically an echo of what everyone else has said, good luck with it

seanbryantkbq · Unread post by **seanbryantkbq** » Tue Mar 29, 2005 11:22 pm

I'll try recording it on my shitty computer mic tomorrow, and put it up. Thanks for the opinions everyone.

seanbryantkbq · Unread post by **seanbryantkbq** » Wed Mar 30, 2005 4:00 pm

http://s51.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=1B7K ... TW851GYML8

tell me if that works

Kahn · Unread post by **Kahn** » Wed Mar 30, 2005 4:06 pm

Ya it works. Pretty good job man.

Work on your voice, and work on breathing. It sounds like a dificult song to sing an you fall flat a few times. Really impressed though. just keep practicing and it'll come. My only suggestion is to add different parts, the song sounds the same almost all the way through and at 5 and 1/2 minutes it can get boring. Good Job though :lol:

seanbryantkbq · Unread post by **seanbryantkbq** » Wed Mar 30, 2005 4:11 pm

yea its not the best. but thanks for the critique.

Swede · Unread post by **Swede** » Wed Mar 30, 2005 4:27 pm

yeah, u need to work on your voice.

seanbryantkbq · Unread post by **seanbryantkbq** » Wed Mar 30, 2005 4:45 pm

can you elaborate on what i should do to my voice. most people say im to breathy. is that it?

Swede · Unread post by **Swede** » Wed Mar 30, 2005 4:53 pm

dont know, i´´m not a singer so i dont think i can help so much. breath and if your voice sounds like shit when you sing (like me) try to sing a little darker!

Kahn · Unread post by **Kahn** » Wed Mar 30, 2005 6:08 pm

seanbryantkbq wrote:can you elaborate on what i should do to my voice. most people say im to breathy. is that it?

your singing voice is not bad. my only critique is to work on your pitch and sustaining notes. it all comes with breathing and practice. :thumbsup:

DMBTabs.com

Eden Please Critique (music now)

Eden Please Critique (music now)

Who is online