New Song I Wrote: "Springtime" (please critique th

[Lou]

Almost finished....let me know what you think. Thanx!

Well look at all these dancing trees
sun's outside, no mosquitos or bees
later on we could walk with no shoes on
and dirty up our feet.

We could sit still with lemonade
reminisce about the games we played
later on we could jump in these puddles
left behind by yesterday's rain.

We used to sit on your porch and talk
sometimes we'd take a private walk
but then you choose to take the right path
and your choice was my loss.

Other times on your downstairs couch
we'd hug n hold, help each other out
then the flaw showed itself to us
I forgot what it was originally about.

Sometimes I sit and think at home
and now I take private walks alone
I didn't see that your love would be the greatest
that I have ever known.

I guess you already know
that this whole thing has helped me grow
I just want you to know I'll be there for you
no matter where I go.

[isaac]

i don't know. honestly it seems too corny for me...the rhyme scheme doesn't strengthen the message at all, only sets you into a pattern that seems forced, so the lyrical content is a little drab.

great that it's straightforward and all, but it might be a little too straightforward.

edit: wanted to say that content wise, it's a great starting ground. the problem with lyrics is you have to be creative with them. unique phrases most definitely help. i'm not saying i'm the expert here, but here's some more in-depth stuff that i think could help you out:

here are some high points.

the first line, "dancing trees" was a great visual.

later on we could jump in these puddles
left behind by yesterday's rain.

is also a great line. rain can definitely be overused in lyrics, but i think this adds to the playful atmosphere that comes with certain memories memories.

the rest could use some revision though.

after the first line about "dancing trees" the line about no mosquitos and bees seems unnecessary. mostly just in there to move the rhyme scheme along, and that's usually a no no in my book.

i think this killed it for me, though.

Sometimes I sit and think at home
and now I take private walks alone
I didn't see that your love would be the greatest
that I have ever known.

this could be reworked in a lot of different directions. just a quick write-up might go as follows:

Isolation from the world and you
With treaded footprints in the dirt
Regrets hang on a heart
That still paces for old love


maybe not great, but it brings new ideas to the board. still gets the point across but helps give some substance to the basics of the point.

give the listener/reader something to think about. instead of "now i take private walks alone," with the "treaded footprints in the dirt" it gets the point of private walks alone, but also manifests a picture of the past, and old footprints.

it doesn't rhyme, but i think there's a stigma that most music has to rhyme, which it certainly doesn't. take #41 for instance...very little rhyming, if at all, but still a lyrically beautiful song (imo). play around with no rhyme schemes. yes, rhyme schemes add some more musical quality to a song, but sometimes it's too constricting, which i feel it may be the case here.

anyway, keep at it, mate. this wasn't meant to be a put down at all. i loved the central idea...very stay or leave, but just as with singing and playing guitar, writing takes about just as much practice as all of 'em. g'luck...i hope this helps.

[Appfro]

i think my biggest problem is getting the rhythm to it, i gues maybe i would have to hear it to music, because if you mute like vh1 or mtv and read the lyrics instead of listening to them, everything sounds corny. so i think music CAN make or break lyrics. unless your lyrics are written by whoever writes for kelly osbourne...then you're hopeless.

EDIT: after reading the last review, he has a lot of good points. But i think as far as rhyming goes you gotta either do it or not in a song. like some songs don't rhyme and then have the occasional words taht almost rhyme, but you never see a song that rhymes 50 percent of the time and then doesn't rhyme at all 50 percent...or at least i don't know any and im not sure who could pull that off. so i say about the rhyming, yes, a song w/o a rhyme scheme can be just as or more beautiful than one w/, but you gotta go w/ one or the other

[isaac]

yeah. the whole review was just from a pure lyrical standpoint, and even then lyrics are critiqued a lot better when it's side-by-side with the music, which gives more or less makes or breaks the lyrics as appsoldier said.

and yes...with the rhyming, you have to be consistent with whatever your doing, but that doesn't mean constricting yourself. inconsistency will only muddle things up. and with that, i'm off to bed...

[Lou]

i uinderstand exactly what y'all are saying......the rhyme scheme seems corny, but i think when i post it (with music) u'll understand why it fits so well.....i dunno.....ill post it soon...thanx for postin!

[I'mWithFatjack]

I agree way to corny but you know, i couldnt do a damn bit better, lyrics dont click with me and i have respect for you being able to even do that.