Origina song. Please critic the lyrics.

[patricksullivan]

Swing Me Up, Swing Me Down.

Early, early in the morning
Caught a glimpse of what a dream could be
When the bubble burst I wished youll'd come out
Laid my head down tryied to sleep again

Smell of coffee doesn't turn me on
Like the smell of you wet skin
It reminds me of my childhood
Even though you weren't there before

Swing me up, up, up
Swing me down
Will you pick me up from the ground
If I fall will you lay with me
Or will you walk with someone else now

Swing me up, up, up
Swing me down
Will you pick me up from the ground
If I fall will you lay with me
Or will you walk with someone else now

I would like to live in that pimple
Just so I could always tay near you
Make you itch make you scratch all over
Make you notice that I am around

If I put myself in a box
Together with some cinnammon and nuts
Would you chose me over them
Or would you let me down in the mud

Swing me up, up, up
Swing me down
Will you pick me up from the ground
If I fall will you lay with me
Or will you walk with someone else now

Swing me up, up, up
Swing me down
Will you pick me up from the ground
If I fall will you lay with me
Or will you walk with someone else now

[mlb1399]

I would like to live in that pimple
Just so I could always tay near you
Make you itch make you scratch all over
Make you notice that I am around

Everything else is fine, but this just ruins it.

Also starting with Early in the morning, made me think of "What I got" by Sublime.

[patricksullivan]

Thanks for the feedback.
Anyone else?

[jellyfish]

Code: Select all

 would like to live in that pimple
Just so I could always tay near you
Make you itch make you scratch all over
Make you notice that I am around

If I put myself in a box
Together with some cinnammon and nuts
Would you chose me over them
Or would you let me down in the mud 

Seems kind of Corny if you are older than 20. But the other stuff if good.

[patricksullivan]

hehe, i am under 20! and so is the girl who thesong is about. but come to think about it, it does seem kind of corny..

[jellyfish]

hehe, i am under 20! and so is the girl who thesong is about. but come to think about it, it does seem kind of corny..

That's fine then. Go with it. I just wouldn't release it to the public

[mlb1399]

Code: Select all

 would like to live in that pimple
Just so I could always tay near you
Make you itch make you scratch all over
Make you notice that I am around

If I put myself in a box
Together with some cinnammon and nuts
Would you chose me over them
Or would you let me down in the mud 

Seems kind of Corny if you are older than 20. But the other stuff if good.

I just think those sound corny. The other lyrics are really good and I got a good vibe from them, but then I read over those lines and was like, what the hell are they doing in this song. I think you are close to having a pretty good song. Just get rid of those and add something that fits better within this song.