PLEASE critique these lyrics

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Lyrics: Yay or Nay?

Great
0
No votes
Pretty Good
5
100%
Eh...nothing special.
0
No votes
These could be a lot better
0
No votes
Sorry Lou But These Suck
0
No votes
 
Total votes: 5

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Lou
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PLEASE critique these lyrics

Unread post by Lou » Tue May 27, 2003 9:58 pm

It's always really hard to pass fair judgement on your own lyrics. I'm happy with this, but im not sure what kind of reaction they could get. So if you guys could help me out and post any criticism (good or bad) that'd be great! Thanks guys (and gals)

Sometimes i Wish u were a mirror
cuz thats probably the only way you'd ever notice me.
Well maybe you can move on and live your life
but walking that highway is just too hard for me.
Sometimes when your not reading my mind i wonder
what me and you could've turned out to be.
Why can't we try again? Why can't we be again?
I give up. I dont want u to be what u dont want to be.

And when you turn around I'll still be watching from there.
Sitting on the couch and waiting for your arms to wrap around me.
Knowing that you'll change your mind. And when you finally do
I'll be able to once more lovingly hold you.

The saddest part of this whole thing is that
you dont even know that I want you.
But when everyone asks me how i feel or what i feel
I stutter and stammer cuz i dont know what to do.
Even while i write the words i worry
What if you forget about me
Why can't i turn myself into what u want
your one true love to be?

And when you turn around I'll still be watching from there.
Standing on the porch and waiting for your arms to wrap around me.
Knowing that you'll change your mind. And when you finally do
I'll be able to once more lovingly hold you.

But for one second look at it from my eyes.
If you were blind and could only hear the sunrise.
The rays would fly right by you and sink into your ears.
But thats nothing, multiply that by a couple of years.
Now before you respond remember that you can't talk about it.
You can't speak about it, sleep without it,
but u hafta constently think about it.

And when you turn around I'll still be watching from there.
With my thoughts pouring on the street hoping you stop to say you love me
Knowing that you're not going to change your mind and that u finally mean it this time.
I never took my chance told hold you.

Thanks again! :D

[/b]

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GuitarGuy610
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Unread post by GuitarGuy610 » Tue May 27, 2003 11:02 pm

Hey Lou! I must say start off by saying...the way a song is sung really can make or break the song's impact and feeling. With that said, from the lyrics, I get a :wink: sense that the song has great potential. Some verses look like they might be harder than others....but since you wrote it, you know how it is sung better than I do :)

As far as how good the lyrics are...I think they are very good. I am sure that people would be able to relate to the lyrics and overall they seem to give a good, hopeful feeling overall.

If you record this anytime and want to post the MP3 for further criticism, I would love to listen to it!

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DustyDave
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Unread post by DustyDave » Wed May 28, 2003 12:31 pm

Just a short opinion here but lets take it one step at a time :

" Sometimes i Wish u were a mirror
cuz thats probably the only way you'd ever notice me.
Well maybe you can move on and live your life
but walking that highway is just too hard for me.
Sometimes when your not reading my mind i wonder
what me and you could've turned out to be.
Why can't we try again? Why can't we be again?
I give up. I dont want u to be what u dont want to be. "

" Sometimes i Wish u were a mirror
cuz thats probably the only way you'd ever notice me.
Well maybe you can move on and live your life
but walking that highway is just too hard for me. "

That can be taken very deep , and everyone should know how hard that feeling is .... But if you look at the next line and compare , im sure you'll notice what i mean :

" Sometimes when your not reading my mind i wonder
what me and you could've turned out to be.
Why can't we try again? Why can't we be again?
I give up. I dont want u to be what u dont want to be. "

Now in the first part you're singing like the person never noticed you " Sometimes i Wish u were a mirror
cuz thats probably the only way you'd ever notice me " which goes very well with the other part " Sometimes when your not reading my mind i wonder
what me and you could've turned out to be. " but at the same time you're singing about what you could have turned out to be IF you stayed together " Why can't we try again? Why can't we be again?
I give up. I dont want u to be what u dont want to be. " If she never noticed you , then how can you try again ?

Thats just an opinion , many times lyrics don't have to fit all that good together , but when you're telling a story kinda line , i think it should fit :) Maybe thats just me but its still my opinion ....

Besides that it is some very good lyrics , i like them very much :)

matthews123
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Unread post by matthews123 » Wed May 28, 2003 1:10 pm

i really liked the lyrics but...maybe im just stupid but when u said....

"but u hafta constently think about it."


did u mean constantly or is constently a word ive never heard of cuz im pretty dumb and dont have a very big vocabulary.
if i were giving advice to someone on how to fly.....

id probably say throw yourself at the ground..and miss.

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Lou
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Unread post by Lou » Wed May 28, 2003 1:32 pm

matthews123 wrote:i really liked the lyrics but...maybe im just stupid but when u said....

"but u hafta constently think about it."


did u mean constantly or is constently a word ive never heard of cuz im pretty dumb and dont have a very big vocabulary.
sry bout that. It's a typo....should be constantly :wink: my bad.

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juineaux
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Unread post by juineaux » Wed May 28, 2003 6:04 pm

They sound good. Ive always had alot of trouble writing lyrics. You wrote alot of lyrics though, you might want to condense them so you dont have a 7 minute song.

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firedancer86
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Unread post by firedancer86 » Thu May 29, 2003 3:49 pm

sounding good...the only part I could find fault with would be the final verse, and that is just my opinion...it seems weak...cliche'-like...anywho, I encourage you...put some music to it and post it :D
"serinity now...insanity later"
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Jay
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Unread post by Jay » Fri May 30, 2003 11:16 am

juineaux wrote:you might want to condense them so you dont have a 7 minute song.
that is the best kind of song! :shock:
"Forget about what you are escaping from," he said, quoting an old maxim of Kornblum's. "Reserve your anxiety for what you are escaping to."
*

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