song lyrics (please critique)

[seanbryantkbq]

this is a song i wrote about my girlfriend. even though we arent breaking up, i wrote it from a kind of "what if we did" point of view. the result: a bittersweet goodbye song about remembrance

Everything has come and gone,
But you and I were kissing high
With the news of some others
Catches both our eyes

We run into the midnight hour
Sitting lightly under the moon
And what you did
Isn’t enough to stop this last kiss

Cause all these dreams have lifted away
And in between the cold and gray
We’ll lie upon the eyes of each other
And hope the rain washes away

At home alone, sitting,
Listening to the rain pour down
I see the tears of God himself
That shakes me from the thought of you

Laughing on the front porch, and singing
Of the opera’s end
Dancing in your black dress,
Then dancing in your skin

Cause all these dreams have lifted away
And in between the cold and gray
We’ll lie upon the eyes of each other
And hope the rain washes away
These thoughts
The fact that we have come and gone
And summer love
High like a hit from a bong
Not long, before you stop by
Not long, before we say goodbye

Laughing on the front porch
And singing of the opera’s end
Dancing in your black dress
Then dancing in your skin

[Swe dmbfan]

nice..
but its so hard to tell with no music.

[seanbryantkbq]

so this song does kinda make me sad now, casue i might actually break up with her. this song is kinda ironic in that i wrote it before i really felt this way.

[onid41]

Cause all these dreams have lifted away
And in between the cold and gray
We’ll lie upon the eyes of each other
And hope the rain washes away

i like that.....good stuff man

[kcw]

Its all good except the bong remark. Your in a serious mood and you turn to a stoners line. I dont like the bong line but the rest is really good. Record it and post it so we can hear the music and everything.

[Leibundgut17]

Its all good except the bong remark. Your in a serious mood and you turn to a stoners line. I dont like the bong line but the rest is really good. Record it and post it so we can hear the music and everything.

Yeah, i agree on that...even tho i love smoking...but it kinda doesnt fit in there. THe rest was pretty cool, some pretty nice rhymes.

U had changes tho, the first verse rhymes on the 2nd and 4th line, the 2nd verse rhymes on the 3rd and 4th (slightly)....and so on a lot of different way of rhyming, it's not bad its good, if u do it intentionally.

Then the 10 line verse or chorus is weird, its hard to tell if u dont have a rythm but overall i like it.

Some pretty decent lines, plus i like the fact that someothers post lyrics since there is a lot of recording out there, a lot of good stuff too.

I like the fact that ppl critique lyrics....keep on writing man!!!


Ps. I got some lyrics on the board too, the post is called Drew and the Prisoners are back, which is basically me, posting some lyrics which im writing music too, feel free to critique, peace.

[kcw]

Songs dont have to rhyme really. Infact some parts can rhyme and others dont it doesnt really matter. Just as long as it flows well with the rythm and all of the song.