My first post here... Lyrics

[HoffDiggidy]

Here's a few songs I'm playing at bar gig on Sunday. They're new for me so I hope I could get some feedback on them...

"LAY DOWN AND LIVE AGAIN"

Intentions high, when I, came through door.
dreams of wealth run to my head.
I get this good, tingling sensation that everything
is just how I want it.
Man in the plastic, is staring back at me.
His brother, lies on the table.
Just left of him, sits the queen of the world
she's golden, for these hands.
That girl, she's got a man, which
stands proudly in my neighbor's hand, oh
If only my neighbor could see inside, my brain
he'd know, to stay away, from this gold tonight.

Don't you know, I could take down your world?
I could make you, beg for mercy.
Try your luck, if you feel you must.
But, as a friend, just put down your guns.
Don't, you, know, I could, take down your world?
Lay down, just to live again, my friend.

Well, sweat did drip, down from his head.
Rain fell to the queen.
The old, wise man looked guilty up at me.
His lies, fool no one, no.
Two lost lonely boys, stood desperate next to me
their brother, was gone.
Little did they know, I would soon reunite
this family of three.

Don't you know, I could take down your world?
I could make you, beg for mercy.
Try your luck, if you feel you must.
But, as a friend, just put down your guns.
Don't, you, know, I could, take down your world?
Lay down, just to live again, my friend.

Set in stone, the night was already gone
And I, want to stay.
Surely as I thought, three brothers beat one man.
When only, one man, stands in your eyes.
With some remorse I, pulled in a
little bit of his life.
Oh god my friend you know I told you..

Don't you know, I could take down your world?
I could make you, beg for mercy.
Try your luck, if you feel you must.
But, as a friend, just put down your guns.
Don't, you, know, I could, take down your world?
Lay down, just to live again, my friend.

----

"Come Up"

I heard voices, from the pillow oh,
Case, you do not, understand
Well you can, stand with me at the
Edge of this stage and, dive right in
Cause, I know exactly what I'm gettin' into.

Well you've got these questions
And I've got your answers
Cause all the answers were given to me
By the old man, from the mountain
Who promised a mountain of nothing
In return for my soul.

-bridge-
Well you can fight
You can cry.
But you gotta
Live your life.
Cause I may know
All I need.
But what I need
Is not
What you need to know.

-chorus-
I just want everyone to know
What it's like to feel like I do.
Well if you want
I can direct you.
Just, come up.
Come down.
Come up to my town.

-verse-
Well all this talkin', has made me thirsty.
Let's take a drink of life, enjoy the af-ter-taste.
This dirty old place
Is still the best damn place I know.
All my friends, gathered round this table
Sippin' on, yesterday, today and
Everyday we'll drink tonight.

-chorus2-
I just want everyone to know
What it's like to feel like I do.
Well if you want
I can direct you.
Just, come up.
Come down.
Come up.
Come down.
Come up to my town
In this little village
South of the big city.

[longleggedfrog]

hard to comment without melody and music

[HoffDiggidy]

I guess I'm looking for feedback on the words I mean

[MWR]

hard to comment without melody and music

Agreed. I tried once before to critique lyrics and I got shit for it because I was apparently destroying their originality when originality is what the song lacked.

[longleggedfrog]

I'm not sure how to put this without sounding like a dick...............if I can't hear instruments, and I don't know the melody of the song, especially since I can't find any sort of rhyme structure (which can be good...depending on the melody), then it would be like reading poetry, and I don't read poetry. On that note, I would love to hear it, and it's unfortunate if you don't have any way of recording...there are some cheap ways to accompolish recording, well, sorta cheap. Anyway, good luck....and if and when you can, post some songs. There are a lot of opinions on this board, and it is important to hear different opinions.