Lyrics and a Love Story - Thoughts of You

[BlueWaters]

Ok, the story is that July 17th will be the 1st Anniversary for me and my girlfriend. I thought some may be interested to know that we met at the July 2003 DMB shows at Alpine Valley last year! Anyway, I've been working on a song to play for her for about a month now and I just finished it tonight. I'm really proud of it and think it's gonna be awesome on the 17th. Anyway again, I wanted to lay down the lyrics for you master critiquers for any input..."Those lyrics are the best ever" would be nice, but honesty is better... I'll also state now that I know some lines may be slightly cliche, but I still think they work and don't sound lame. Hopefully I'll record this ASAP and you guys can have a listen of an original of mine. No pressure if you don't read this by the 17th, but if you do I would really appreciate comments...*pats on the back* are fine too. This is really important to me, thanks in advance for any help...peace

*Addition*
Here is a rough draft or so of the song. I did one take a piece, but it turned out alright; just working on how to sing the chorus pretty much. The song title is the link (to my website):

Thoughts of You

Verse 1
When my mind wanders,
Thoughts of you
Hug closely to my heart;
I'm forever changed.
I think of our first few
Months together-
Just a boy and a girl-
Meeting, with welcoming smiles.

Chorus
By the light of the first star
I've seen tonight,
I know, in thoughts of you,
We could never be apart,
And by those stars,
I will always dream of you...
And by those stars,
I will always dream of you...

Verse 2
That night we talked
And talked for hours,
The stars, they weigh upon us;
I'm forever changed.
They mark the hopes
And dreams of us all-
Dreams we are living
Every moment of our lives.

Chorus
By the light of the first star
I've seen tonight,
I know, in thoughts of you,
We could never be apart,
And by those stars,
I will always dream of you...
And by those stars,
I will always dream of you...

[filmdude100cms]

cool, add like a 3rd verse or an outro lyrics or sometihn itd be awesome, i just dont like it cuttin off after a second chorus, if u added one more thing itd be perfect

[isaac]

Any way you can record the music?

I've already ripped apart a couple of people for using too much cliche. Sometimes music makes the lyrics, though, so I'm withholding comments on this.

[BlueWaters]

Any way you can record the music?

I've already ripped apart a couple of people for using too much cliche. Sometimes music makes the lyrics, though, so I'm withholding comments on this.

Thanks...I'm going to record this ASAP like I said. That's why I put the cliche disclaimer. Not to toot my own horn, if I do let me know, but I've been writing poetry for many years now, but with songs, sometimes the simpler lines/words work better, in my opinion. With this song I think that may prove to be true. Give me a few days, I'll post the song...peace

*Addition*
Correction...song link is posted on top...peace

[isaac]

Any way you can record the music?

I've already ripped apart a couple of people for using too much cliche. Sometimes music makes the lyrics, though, so I'm withholding comments on this.

Thanks...I'm going to record this ASAP like I said. That's why I put the cliche disclaimer. Not to toot my own horn, if I do let me know, but I've been writing poetry for many years now, but with songs though, sometimes the simpler lines/words work better, in my opinion. With this song I think that may prove to be true. Give me a few days, I'll post the song...peace

It's no big deal. Congrats on the anniversary, at least. And sometimes simpler lines/words work, sometimes they don't. Everyone can improve, though, from a 7th grader to cummings, for that matter. It's all personal preference in the end, and it's also a personal song. As long as it's what you want to get across, then fantastic.

[DMBFan63]

Great singing on this one, bud. The lyrics are a bit cliche, but it's still a hell of a song. I enjoyed it a lot. It was a bit slow for my taste, but still very well writen. good job*pats on the back*