June Freebie Contest (Winner Announced)

[taylordb]

Last months contest was pretty fun wasn't it? Well, it's that time again....another Freebie Contest.

The theme this month is Humility.

Post the funniest TRUE story you know...but the twist is that the humor has to come at the poster's (that means you) expense.

Again, the judging is totally subjective, and the best story in OUR (matty and I's) opinion wins the freebie. And this months prize is..(another drum roll please):

The 6 CD disk audio box set: Acoustic Magic - The Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds 1999 Experience. 71 tracks from various tapers from nearly every venue on the 1999 tour....featuring special guests like Bob Weir, Carlos Santana and John Popper. Lots of Dave speak as well. This is NOT the Lost Acoustics Compilation.

And....if that wasn't enough, the winner gets to pick one D&T DVD show from matty's collection

The deadline for posting is 11:59 pm EST Wednesday June 30th.

Let the contest roll.......

Standard DMBTabs IMPORTANT NOTE: This is based totally on the honor system. No one can stop you from fabricating a story (i.e. lying), but if you do:
#1 you'll feel bad about yourself
#2 bad karma will surround you, and
#3 you will go directly to Hell

[whatshername]

Niiiiice. I was waiting for this one to come along. I have the most ridiculous embarassing story ever. I'm such an idiot. Our school has an annual sports banquet every year and all the athletes come all dressed up and stuff. It's like this big hoopla. Anyways, there's always like four hundred of us there...five hundred with teachers and coaches. All of the varsity athletic teams pick a Most Improved Player, a Sportsmanship Award, and a Most Valuable Player. The coach goes up and announces their names and they go up on stage to get their awards. Well, I won the MVP...so when my name was called I got up and started walking to the side stairs to the stage. My teammates and I had been joking about how funny it would be if someone fell. It's not that funny. Especially when you're the schmuck who falls. I tripped going UP the stairs. Who falls UP stairs??? UP THEM!! I had on dress shoes and they had a really thick bottom...the only thing that I could come up with is that I mis-judged how thick the bottom really was and my foot didn't go high enough. I actually really hurt myself. Like I was down for a minute. I felt like they almost sent in our athletic trainer, who was on the premises of course. hahaah...it seriously looked like it was a planned fall, like in the movies. The whole place started laughing, I felt like a big idiot. Some fucker screamed "Who brought the asshole?" I think that might have been the worst part. Then, to top it off, the trip gave me a run in my stockings. A HUGE one..and they weren't like skin-color stockings..they were thin black ones. I went up on stage to get my award after what felt like an hour of embarassment. And the run in the stockings was just and extention of my humility. It basically says "Look at me, I'm a big schmuck!" Oh, and THEN I dropped it. It wasn't like a trophy or anything, it was just an envelope with a pin and the award in it. Which I guess made it worse, because it like flew away. Whatever, I still haven't lived it down. I would pay a million dollars to any person who taped this. I wish I could see myself in action. And now my fingers are tired.

[bngholio14]

Well, this is sort of humility/stupidity. Ayway, about a year ago me and about 4 friends were hanging out jamming in his garage. After a few hours we got bored and decided to do something else. He had this really shitty wooden cart thing, it was made out of like three 2x4's, some wheels and a piece of wood for a seat. So we tied a rope to it then tied the other end to my friends Suburban. We mapped out a course throughout his neighborhood and decided to pull each other around in the cart. Come my turn, everything went wrong. Were goin about 15 mph, which seems slow, but when you are only about 4 inches off the street, its damn fast. So im doin my run and I see a group of people watching us, cause there was some party goin on and then my friend goes over a speed bump, the cart hits it and I lose control and fall off the cart...but my foot got tangled in the tow rope so I was getting dragged by the Suburban... Im tryin so hard to get my friends to stop driving, but everyone is laughing so hard they cant hear. After about maybe 40 ft, they stop. Everyone of my friends are laughing, the whole group at the party were watching and laughing hard, basically everyone in the neighborhood that saw were all laughing their asses off. I didnt get hurt too bad,I was wearing those skating wrist guards and one elbow pad. My khakis were stained black and ripped to all hell though. Haha I still get reminded about it all the time.

[2StepGranny]

This topic is actually pretty cool. The one problem I have is, I do so many funny, and stupid things that I can't remember them all. But I do remember a few...

Ok, my best friend and I are out having a good time with a few other friends of ours. We go to a sports bar, we're there for a couple hours just having a good time, then we all decide to meet up at a friends house. I'm the only one that knows where his house his, but I need gas. Now a few of my friends had some drinks, and I'm out pumping gas so they are out there talking to me. And all of a sudden it seems like the stupid stick hits me in the face, I say, "I smell gas!" I didn't think that they would catch it or anything, and I knew what it was from, but I'll be damned if they don't EVER let me live it down. It was crazy. But I get like 2 hours of sleep cause I have to caddie in the morning. So I'm at work, on the course, doing my thing... I'm having a conversation with the member who I am caddying for, he is one of my regulars, so I'm chatting it up and having a good time. It's early in the morning, and he asked what I did last night, so I told him, he finds it funny as hell, right at that moment another one of the caddies slips down a hill. It's early and there is dew on the ground, and it happens, but I just bust out laughing and so does my member, we both look at each other and say that most people should know how to walk down a hill when it's wet, swear to God, not a moment after that came out of our mouths, I f***ing slid down this hill like no other, worse than the other caddie. And it wasn't even down the steep part, it was like God bitch slapping me and telling me to watch what I say. But my member laughs at me, and it was a really great round.

I know there are a lot more, considering it's me, I'll have to talk to a few of my friends to find the funnier ones, these will be fun to share. So I'll keep everyone posted with my stupidity

[HCHaikuWarrior]

Well...it's humiliating and stupid as hell...put a learning experience.

-Andrew Hoover.

After a short night of going out...i was probably out for about 2 hours total that night and i had way to much to drink in that small about of time. Consuming everything insight...mixed whisky drinks, straight tequila, and straight brandy shots. I was feeling really really good. You know it is, just when your eyes get blurry and all that appears on your face is a smile. I got inside my house and my dad was downstairs in the family room watching t.v. I was acting as normal as possible while being totally enebriated. I sat down after talking with him and i got extremely hot. I told him i was going to go up and change and i'd be down in 5 minutes. Well five minutes turned to 15 turning to 20 turning to never. I got to my room and i felt apressure building in my stomach, crawling in my throat. I stumble to the bathroom, and put a cold cloth on my face and head to the bathroom floor. My mother was asleep in the next room. The pressure built until finally out spewed everything. My mother rushed in not aware what was going on, until soon 20 minutes turned into 3 hours of straight puking infront of my pissed off, angry, and worried parents. Puking nothing but alcohol. Five minutes from having to go to the hospital. After this 3 hour episode i passed out on the bathroom floor for the remainder of the night. My mother slept outside the bathroom door making sure i was not to throw up again. The next morning i could hardly walk, my body was destoryed by the violent episode. I night full of humiliation, and stupidity. A fun beginning...a horrible end.

[whatshername]

Well, this is sort of humility/stupidity. Ayway, about a year ago me and about 4 friends were hanging out jamming in his garage. After a few hours we got bored and decided to do something else. He had this really shitty wooden cart thing, it was made out of like three 2x4's, some wheels and a piece of wood for a seat. So we tied a rope to it then tied the other end to my friends Suburban. We mapped out a course throughout his neighborhood and decided to pull each other around in the cart. Come my turn, everything went wrong. Were goin about 15 mph, which seems slow, but when you are only about 4 inches off the street, its damn fast. So im doin my run and I see a group of people watching us, cause there was some party goin on and then my friend goes over a speed bump, the cart hits it and I lose control and fall off the cart...but my foot got tangled in the tow rope so I was getting dragged by the Suburban... Im tryin so hard to get my friends to stop driving, but everyone is laughing so hard they cant hear. After about maybe 40 ft, they stop. Everyone of my friends are laughing, the whole group at the party were watching and laughing hard, basically everyone in the neighborhood that saw were all laughing their asses off. I didnt get hurt too bad,I was wearing those skating wrist guards and one elbow pad. My khakis were stained black and ripped to all hell though. Haha I still get reminded about it all the time.

you didn't get like...seriously injured? haha...you were being dragged on pavement!

[whatshername]

This topic is actually pretty cool. The one problem I have is, I do so many funny, and stupid things that I can't remember them all. But I do remember a few...

Ok, my best friend and I are out having a good time with a few other friends of ours. We go to a sports bar, we're there for a couple hours just having a good time, then we all decide to meet up at a friends house. I'm the only one that knows where his house his, but I need gas. Now a few of my friends had some drinks, and I'm out pumping gas so they are out there talking to me. And all of a sudden it seems like the stupid stick hits me in the face, I say, "I smell gas!" I didn't think that they would catch it or anything, and I knew what it was from, but I'll be damned if they don't EVER let me live it down. It was crazy. But I get like 2 hours of sleep cause I have to caddie in the morning. So I'm at work, on the course, doing my thing... I'm having a conversation with the member who I am caddying for, he is one of my regulars, so I'm chatting it up and having a good time. It's early in the morning, and he asked what I did last night, so I told him, he finds it funny as hell, right at that moment another one of the caddies slips down a hill. It's early and there is dew on the ground, and it happens, but I just bust out laughing and so does my member, we both look at each other and say that most people should know how to walk down a hill when it's wet, swear to God, not a moment after that came out of our mouths, I f***ing slid down this hill like no other, worse than the other caddie. And it wasn't even down the steep part, it was like God bitch slapping me and telling me to watch what I say. But my member laughs at me, and it was a really great round.

I know there are a lot more, considering it's me, I'll have to talk to a few of my friends to find the funnier ones, these will be fun to share. So I'll keep everyone posted with my stupidity

that's what made me laugh the hardest

hahahhahah

[daxman]

LOL! I love embarrasing stories... Here are a few...

In Utah, because of the foundation of this state by the pioneers, we celebrate Pioneer day. There isn't much of a celebration, more of a remembrance type day. Anyways, in Utah county, where I live, they have a small parade where kids and parents can dress up and either walk or ride their bikes in the parade. I had just learned to become comfortable riding a bicycle without training wheels so I was dang excited to go ride around in the parade. I dressed up in my little cowboy outfit and went to go meet some friends to go ride with. All of their bikes were decorated with various streamers and such and I didn't have anything on mine. So I hurried home and frantically started looking for something to decorate my bike with. I was up looking in my parents bathroom for some toilet paper and I found some cool looking white pads in a box with some adhesive on them already. I grabbed the box and took it outside, then I began to plaster these little white pads all over my bike. I was just about to leave for the parade when my mom comes screaming out the door. She was all mad and embarassed and made me take all the "Decorations" off of my bike.

And that, my friends, was my introduction to the Maxi Pad...


One more quick story.

I really loved starwars as a child, and would always play lightsabers and jedi stuff with my friends. One day I was upstairs with my older brother and sister. I think I was 8 and they were like 13 and 14. I saw what I thought was a gasmask on my dad's dresser so I grabbed it and went to my siblings to do my best Darth Vader impression. I put it on my face and started my impression. They started laughing out of control so I thought I was doing a good job. After a few minutes with the "Gas Mask" on my face, my brother finally explained to me that it was not a gas mask, but a jock strap. I didn't know what that was so he explained it to me and I quickly removed it from my face. Ohhhhh, I felt mortified and I'm still a little embarassed with that one...

[Trippin]

Alright back when I was about 14 years old my aunt got married. As usual I stuck around for the dance after all festivities. So any who as the night went on I had to use the washroom. So I went in not really looking at the sign of which I had entered. When I got in there I got in one of the stalls and did my business and was about to be on my way, when all of a sudden I heard womens voices. Not wanting to run out and look like a fool I quickly sat down on the toilet try and not appear obvious to other ladies. Thinking I out smarted them and that they had finally left I walked out of the washroom only to see all 4 ladies standing there to let me know that they knew I was in there. Apparently they could tell by my feet. As soon as that happend I left the dance right away.

[DrFartbrain]

I typed this up, there was a PHP error, so I'll make it short and sweet:

On my birthday a few years back, my friend and I were playing with and spinning broomsticks a la Darth Maul (dumb idea) when I broke off half of my front tooth.

Two weeks later, he still had no clue what had happened to me.

[nugsta25]

I was out at a bar right after I turned 21, so I was pretty wasted, being that I could actually go to a bar now! anyway, the night was going great, had met 2 very, very nice looking women. As the night progresses I get very tanked and have to go to the bathroom to puke. The next thing I know, I'm being woken up by one of the hotties I met earlier. I'm assed out on the bathroom floor, with my pants and boxers around my ankles!!!!!! She has to help me dress and gives me a ride home, which I passed out for the whole 30 min drive!!!!!! needless to say, I haven't heard from her, or returned to the bar!!

[bngholio14]

you didn't get like...seriously injured? haha...you were being dragged on pavement!

Nope, lukcily. The wrist guards were grinded down pretty bad, so was the elbow pad. Haha i was even shocked i really didnt get hurt.

[nugsta25]

another one.....this one is baaaaaaaddddd

So I just get off work(about 9 pm) and I stop at a gas station for smokes. Im walking in when this limo pulls up, I eye it cuz hey...its a limo. I buy my smokes and head to my truck. I see the limo in the far corner of the parking lot. Their is this blonde lady yelling "Come here sweety!!!! Come here darlin!!!" So Im like hell yeah!!! I stroll over tryin to be as cool as possible. I get up to the limo and she's sittin about 5 feet away from the window, so I poke my head in the window. she's attractive from what I can tell(keep in mind it's dark), and she starts telling me, in this cute southern accent, that she needs a chore boy around her house and she thinks I have the cutest smile. So she gives me her # and I'm pumped(who would bang a milf all day?!?!). I call the next day and she wants a ride to her doctor appointment because her butler is off on saturdays. So I'm thinkin sweet!!!! I'm gonna go bang this milf all day long!!! So I pull up in her driveway to pick her up and what do I see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG It's an OBVIOUS transvestite!!!!!! I start to panic, I dont know what to do, before I know it she/he is in my truck Like I said I'm panicing beyond belief at this point... I start to drive. I dont know why I just couldnt say"Get out you fucking weirdo!!!!!" So I drive he/she to the doctor, turns out he/she is getting lip implants to have what he/she calls "dick-sucking lips." So we get to the office and she/he says "hang-on, ill be right back, I have to ask my doc how long it will be so you can come pick me up." So he/she gets out and as soon as he/she shut the door... **tires squeall** I'm gone mother fucker!!!!! Ive never told anyone that story, but come on...how embarrassing is that!!

[2StepGranny]

This topic is actually pretty cool. The one problem I have is, I do so many funny, and stupid things that I can't remember them all. But I do remember a few...

Ok, my best friend and I are out having a good time with a few other friends of ours. We go to a sports bar, we're there for a couple hours just having a good time, then we all decide to meet up at a friends house. I'm the only one that knows where his house his, but I need gas. Now a few of my friends had some drinks, and I'm out pumping gas so they are out there talking to me. And all of a sudden it seems like the stupid stick hits me in the face, I say, "I smell gas!" I didn't think that they would catch it or anything, and I knew what it was from, but I'll be damned if they don't EVER let me live it down. It was crazy. But I get like 2 hours of sleep cause I have to caddie in the morning. So I'm at work, on the course, doing my thing... I'm having a conversation with the member who I am caddying for, he is one of my regulars, so I'm chatting it up and having a good time. It's early in the morning, and he asked what I did last night, so I told him, he finds it funny as hell, right at that moment another one of the caddies slips down a hill. It's early and there is dew on the ground, and it happens, but I just bust out laughing and so does my member, we both look at each other and say that most people should know how to walk down a hill when it's wet, swear to God, not a moment after that came out of our mouths, I f***ing slid down this hill like no other, worse than the other caddie. And it wasn't even down the steep part, it was like God bitch slapping me and telling me to watch what I say. But my member laughs at me, and it was a really great round.

I know there are a lot more, considering it's me, I'll have to talk to a few of my friends to find the funnier ones, these will be fun to share. So I'll keep everyone posted with my stupidity

that's what made me laugh the hardest

hahahhahah

Yeah, he thought it was funnier than hell, but it's not the first, and won't be the last time I slide down a hill caddying But I'm glad I made you laugh

another one.....this one is baaaaaaaddddd

So I just get off work(about 9 pm) and I stop at a gas station for smokes. Im walking in when this limo pulls up, I eye it cuz hey...its a limo. I buy my smokes and head to my truck. I see the limo in the far corner of the parking lot. Their is this blonde lady yelling "Come here sweety!!!! Come here darlin!!!" So Im like hell yeah!!! I stroll over tryin to be as cool as possible. I get up to the limo and she's sittin about 5 feet away from the window, so I poke my head in the window. she's attractive from what I can tell(keep in mind it's dark), and she starts telling me, in this cute southern accent, that she needs a chore boy around her house and she thinks I have the cutest smile. So she gives me her # and I'm pumped(who would bang a milf all day?!?!). I call the next day and she wants a ride to her doctor appointment because her butler is off on saturdays. So I'm thinkin sweet!!!! I'm gonna go bang this milf all day long!!! So I pull up in her driveway to pick her up and what do I see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG It's an OBVIOUS transvestite!!!!!! I start to panic, I dont know what to do, before I know it she/he is in my truck Like I said I'm panicing beyond belief at this point... I start to drive. I dont know why I just couldnt say"Get out you fucking weirdo!!!!!" So I drive he/she to the doctor, turns out he/she is getting lip implants to have what he/she calls "dick-sucking lips." So we get to the office and she/he says "hang-on, ill be right back, I have to ask my doc how long it will be so you can come pick me up." So he/she gets out and as soon as he/she shut the door... **tires squeall** I'm gone mother fucker!!!!! Ive never told anyone that story, but come on...how embarrassing is that!!

OMG That was f***ing hilarious, I wouldn't have stayed either. You're a lot braver than I am, I would have never called the number, but yeah, I wouldn't tell that story to very many people either. Hahahaha

[daxman]

another one.....this one is baaaaaaaddddd

So I just get off work(about 9 pm) and I stop at a gas station for smokes. Im walking in when this limo pulls up, I eye it cuz hey...its a limo. I buy my smokes and head to my truck. I see the limo in the far corner of the parking lot. Their is this blonde lady yelling "Come here sweety!!!! Come here darlin!!!" So Im like hell yeah!!! I stroll over tryin to be as cool as possible. I get up to the limo and she's sittin about 5 feet away from the window, so I poke my head in the window. she's attractive from what I can tell(keep in mind it's dark), and she starts telling me, in this cute southern accent, that she needs a chore boy around her house and she thinks I have the cutest smile. So she gives me her # and I'm pumped(who would bang a milf all day?!?!). I call the next day and she wants a ride to her doctor appointment because her butler is off on saturdays. So I'm thinkin sweet!!!! I'm gonna go bang this milf all day long!!! So I pull up in her driveway to pick her up and what do I see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG It's an OBVIOUS transvestite!!!!!! I start to panic, I dont know what to do, before I know it she/he is in my truck Like I said I'm panicing beyond belief at this point... I start to drive. I dont know why I just couldnt say"Get out you fucking weirdo!!!!!" So I drive he/she to the doctor, turns out he/she is getting lip implants to have what he/she calls "dick-sucking lips." So we get to the office and she/he says "hang-on, ill be right back, I have to ask my doc how long it will be so you can come pick me up." So he/she gets out and as soon as he/she shut the door... **tires squeall** I'm gone mother fucker!!!!! Ive never told anyone that story, but come on...how embarrassing is that!!

ohhhh man... LMAO!!! That is classic.