Poet turned songwriter?

[Jer1400]

I do not have much experience writing songs; I've been writing poety/prose for a while, though. It's been mostly love poems for a girl, but now I'm taking a crack at writing lyrics. Here's a couple of songs I've recently written:

It's Yesterday

Another sleepless night rolls through
and the Devil's on my mind
Well, he's pullin' three lost souls from here
Wonder if I'll be left behind

Now I wander down this road again
And I'll bleed from time to time
Seeking answers to the questions
that lacerate my mind

Will I ever just lose sight of it
as I start to turn my head?
Will I ever get a second chance
or have I never been mislead?
I guess I'll find out soon enough
Maybe soon enough is dead

But it's not too late
to choose my road again
And it's not too late
to try an hold again, my lover
It's yesterday

I stand before the ring of fire
my eyes weren't meant to see
The demons telling lies of how
the truth will set you free
Free of only guilt and confidence
Your brothers want to be

A hand rest on my shoulder,
but it wasn't of my own
This hand belonged to no one
And no one's ever shown me
the world's not quite over
and I am not alone

But it's not too late
to choose my road again
And it's not too late
to try an hold again, my lover
It's yesterday

(Spoken)

In a dream I saw the valley under shadow of death
Drab robes forever to my right
They're resting to my left
The feelings blend together and shoot me all at once
I fall atop my flesh and blood, emotion past, quiver none
But I do remember of a dream
In this dream, deep sleep I fall into
And I'm just starting to awake


The Valley of Forward Glance

Night after night, dark after dusk
Bent after bend, truth after trust
And I thought I saw the wind blow through these blinds of stain and stone
But my dreams, they tell me different
And those thoughts do grow cold

He sits by the window glaring out at the world
His better days to come and go
These hands of nine decades, seven strings and forty wars
As he placed the glass before his eyes, a dying world he did see
This is not his world, nor his father's
And his sould cried, "Set me free!"

Night after night, dark after dusk
Light after lit, and love after lust
And he thought he'd found what's missing in this year considered old
But his sons, they tell him different
And those thoughts, they do grow cold

She lays on the curtains, in the cellar, under door
And she wants to remember the place she was before
That burgandy nieve cuts through more than just one mind
Curtains of white-diamond gold have left
And the victor wasn't told of how a withered rose renews
And if you fight it, you can't lose
But this short life, she did choose

Night after night, dark after dusk
Life after love, diamond after dust
And she thought she knew the answers to the questions no one asks
But her mind would wander too far
And the questions took her back

For I'd leave it all behind me if I thought there was a chance
That blind men saw the rivers still in the Valley of Forward Glance
But I won't leave the words I haven't written
All the sights I haven't breathed
All the pain I've yet to taste
I won't lose the thoughts I haven't conceived

And I'd give up reason to hold you before the necromance
'Cause it's the whisper of your life that keeps me from
The Valley of Forward Glance


There are still a few lines I'm not completely satisfied with, but I'm not going to dwell on them seeing as these were just for experimentation. Let me know what you think. Comments and critiques are greatly appreciated.


ps.

If you have a question about the meaning of a line or stanza, don't hesitate to ask. I did put quite a few metaphors in these and a bit of reading between the lines is nescessary. :)

[MWR]

Nice lyrics man. A llttle over the top at times but still very good.

Now you just gotta find a melody.

[katie]

digging your style man - really nice.

Night after night, dark after dusk
Bent after bend, truth after trust


I love what you did when you switched these lines around and fooled with them a bit - diamond to dust...

the first poem/song disoriented me a bit, proabably because it was yesterday. I loved the flow and the words but (for me) a little hard to follow:


A hand rest on my shoulder,
but it wasn't of my own
This hand belonged to no one
And no one's ever shown me
the world's not quite over
and I am not alone


I thought your work is really good, really nice - a pleasure to read. would love to hear it set to music.

to our spirits!

katie

[DrFartbrain]

Only thing is that there's not much appeal to some people in spoken word.