A song/poem I wrote, what do ya think?

jay_stadtfeld · Unread post by **jay_stadtfeld** » Tue May 18, 2004 4:05 pm

here we are, you and me, me and you, sweet sweet bliss, nothing can shatter this, i want to learn you, i want you to teach me, if this is it, it couldn't be better, nothing can take me from you, not even death itself, lend me your hand, if not just for tonight then for all eternity, it seems to me life is great when we're together, we're just two birds of a feather we're perfect, so free, what's not to be seen only lies in the darkness, so let it be unseen. what we'll be we'll be, just for tonight we're set free.

times like these are ones to be sought after, somehow i know tonight won't ever end, we're meant to spent it among ourselves 'til death do us part.

MWR · Unread post by **MWR** » Tue May 18, 2004 4:37 pm

Line's I would think about changing:

sweet, sweet bliss- quite redundant and cliche.

lend me your hand if not just for tonight then for all eternity- cliche and melodramatic

what's not to be seen only lies in the darkness- awkward, doesn't make sense

til death do us part- awful way to end it, it's cliche, melodramtic and pretentious.

Sorry if that was harsh but I'm very critical when it comes to lyrics. I think you should really consider reworking the lines I mentioned. If you can find more subtlety you'll have a really nice start to a song.

jay_stadtfeld · Unread post by **jay_stadtfeld** » Tue May 18, 2004 7:08 pm

Hey, it's no problem, as a matter of fact I appreciate cynicism. As long as it's positive. What would some suggestions be then?

MWR · Unread post by **MWR** » Wed May 19, 2004 12:23 am

I can't really help you there cause lyric writing is personal. My advice is to always be ready when inspiration comes. Good luck with it.

jay_stadtfeld · Unread post by **jay_stadtfeld** » Thu May 20, 2004 6:17 am

Oh it's all good, you're right

BlueWaters · Unread post by **BlueWaters** » Thu May 20, 2004 8:13 am

I just wanted to add that with lyrics, if you're really serious about them, are very personal, in fact, you should probably critique them yourself about 20-30 times before you ask for outside info. Just ask yourself... is that is the best way you can explain what your trying to say...? Are all the words you are using the most correct/ detailed/ explanitory...? Are you expressing your message in an original way that no one has said before...? Just ask yourself these questions and see how your lyrics change. Good Luck Man...

geekmug · Unread post by **geekmug** » Thu May 20, 2004 9:47 am

And my two cents is: to hell with what anyone else thinks. If writing a remix of mary had a little lamb speaks you mind, then so be it, don't let someone tell you that it was redundant or cliche, 'cause mary had a little lamb is damn catchy and much more famous than most songs could ever dream to be.

MWR · Unread post by **MWR** » Thu May 20, 2004 3:59 pm

geekmug wrote:And my two cents is: to hell with what anyone else thinks. If writing a remix of mary had a little lamb speaks you mind, then so be it, don't let someone tell you that it was redundant or cliche, 'cause mary had a little lamb is damn catchy and much more famous than most songs could ever dream to be.

I can't tell if you were being sarcastic or not. If that wasn't sarcasm it was the worst piece of advice in regards to lyric writing I've ever heard. If it was sarcasm...good one.

geekmug · Unread post by **geekmug** » Fri May 21, 2004 10:08 am

Totally serious

Granted I chose a reference that would be humorous, but I abosolutely mean that peer review is worthless when it comes to anything that is supposed to be self-expressive. I mean no offense to you, since he asked to be reviewed and you only obliged.

And on that note, I don't really care whether you think it is terrible advice. I didn't ask for yours about mine. :lol:

MWR · Unread post by **MWR** » Fri May 21, 2004 5:42 pm

geekmug wrote:Totally serious

Granted I chose a reference that would be humorous, but I abosolutely mean that peer review is worthless when it comes to anything that is supposed to be self-expressive. I mean no offense to you, since he asked to be reviewed and you only obliged.

And on that note, I don't really care whether you think it is terrible advice. I didn't ask for yours about mine.

IMO lyric writing is just like everthing else in that a) it can be bad and b) you need to practice and write a lot to get good. I don't think critisism robs self-expression it hones it.

Mjazk26 · Unread post by **Mjazk26** » Tue May 25, 2004 3:30 pm

Just my 2 cents but I didn't see anything wrong with the line

"what's not to be seen only lies in the darkness"

If I were you I would leave that one as it is.

As far as the other lines mentioned I mostly agree with MWR.

I bet If Dave himself would have posted some of his songs lyrics on here under an alias before they were released there would still be people that would critique the hell out of them.

I think you just have to practice writing and getting others advice is good but you still have to have some confidence in what you write. There will always be people who don't see things like you do regardless of the quality of content but its not their song its yours.

Jer1400 · Unread post by **Jer1400** » Wed May 26, 2004 7:38 pm

I agree with MWR on that one. It's awkward and a bit cluttered...

"In darkness lies what's not to be seen"

Perhaps something to that effect?

MWR · Unread post by **MWR** » Wed May 26, 2004 9:01 pm

Mjazk26 wrote:Just my 2 cents but I didn't see anything wrong with the line

"what's not to be seen only lies in the darkness"

If I were you I would leave that one as it is.

As far as the other lines mentioned I mostly agree with MWR.

I bet If Dave himself would have posted some of his songs lyrics on here under an alias before they were released there would still be people that would critique the hell out of them.

I think you just have to practice writing and getting others advice is good but you still have to have some confidence in what you write. There will always be people who don't see things like you do regardless of the quality of content but its not their song its yours.

Very true.

I also bet that if he posted the lyrics to many of the songs on Everyday people would be like "what the fuck is that?".
Writing truly great lyrics is probably the hardest part of songwriting imo.

DMBTabs.com

A song/poem I wrote, what do ya think?

A song/poem I wrote, what do ya think?

Who is online