I don't know where to go with this song.

[lyrics101]

So I wrote and recorded this about... fifteen minutes ago, sang it sitting down with my lil' MacBook, whom I love.

http://synergizement.com/music/puppetmaster.mp3

Ideas?

Lyrics at this point:

Tie your kites up kids
The piper's pipe is calling
Enchanted; enchanted

Let's go, kids

Down there, man it's rats and catacombs
Wrap you each inside my arms
Down there, man it's rats and catacombs
I'll take you all, as you are

Let's go, kids

[myxomatosis]

well that's different... I really like the 2nd verse thingy...

[lyrics101]

well that's different... I really like the 2nd verse thingy...

Thanks. I've been listening to a lot of Bjork, so I had this idea in my head for something upbeat and chipper with lyrics that were borderline emotionally terrifying.

I just don't know where I want to go with it after this. The second verse wasn't intended to be the chorus, but I can't think of anything catchier around which to structure it. I need to ease up on the guitar melodies -- three different riffs right off the bat in the song is a little overwhelming, and doesn't allocate for a build-up later on. And I like my songs to go somewhere.

[myxomatosis]

yea, sounds like that would make a good chorus

[Kahn]

is it about Hoff stealing children cause thats what it sounds like

[myxomatosis]

is it about Hoff stealing children cause thats what it sounds like

[mangold]

you are so enigmatic to me lyrics.

you've got this ghetto av, you know more about lyrical construction than anyone else on these boards, you listen to damien and eminem, and you write and record euro-pop...

i dont know where to go with it either, although i would guess... finland

[TSilk]

Iceland I think you mean?

[Nitro1515]

Its like a mix of Modest Mouse and early Pink Floyd with Syd Barrett

[iha]

i kinda liked it. i think it has potential. and yeah, w/ that av i was expecting something really horrible. :lol

[lyrics101]

I'm considering changing the line, "Each inside my arms" to "Wrap up into my coat" or something along those lines. I haven't had the time to pick it apart like I'd like.

That avatar is from a picture about four years old. I've just haven't changed it since god knows when.

I hit a bad note on the word "your", dammit.

I'll figure this song out. And it's supposed to be about someone stealing children. Like I said, something emotionally terrifying. It's very Brechtian -- cheerful music with melancholy lyrics forces the audience to pay more attention. That was how Bertolt Brecht delivered his political messages within the songs he placed into his plays.

[afurth]

I'll figure this song out. And it's supposed to be about someone stealing children. Like I said, something emotionally terrifying. It's very Brechtian -- cheerful music with melancholy lyrics forces the audience to pay more attention. That was how Bertolt Brecht delivered his political messages within the songs he placed into his plays.

It reminds me of the stark images Yorke uses in his Radiohead writings. They're very dark, but at the same time they reflect your optimistic ideals that things could be better (while being very sadistic and ironic because they aren't) - it's interesting.

The music is a solid template too - like you said - a little overwhelming, but you have good ideas, you just need to sort them out. Maybe have just two different riffs to start the song and use the third as a sort of second bridge or something... just a thought... the more you alternate sections, the more complex it will be to a listener's ear