critique my lyrics please

[T1nM4n]

ok im not that good at song writing, most of my songs seem to much like highschool poems or sumthing like that so could someone please give me some pointers on this one, is it to forced sounding?

please wont you cover me
with a blanket sewn from the night
wiht stars in the weavings
no more room for those bitter evenings

and here we are tonight
wondering what makes this so right
here we are tonight
wondering what we are fighting for

and down fell the raindrops
into my mouth
i found i didnt quite like the taste
so i spit every one back out
and up clears the fog
leaving room for a morning walk
but we stayed inside instead
laying in this heaven bed

so here we are today
wondering what makes it rain
and here we are this mornin
wondering when we'll be agian

why is it the sky's so blue
when i cant be with you
a strange twist of fate
leave me here, left here to wait

so here i am
broken with out you my friend
laying here in the dark
wonder when u'll be apart

of my life agian

[T1nM4n]

NE one please?

[juineaux]

not bad, I like the imagery that you used in the beginning:
"please wont you cover me
with a blanket sewn from the night
wiht stars in the weavings
no more room for those bitter evenings "

[T1nM4n]

thanks, thats also my favorite part of the song

[carter29]

laying in this heaven bed

I am picturing this verse to be a chorus type vibe, may I suggest changing heaven, to heavenly? I understand what your saying, but I think it could flow much better

[fatjack]

kinda seems like you took some ideas from say stay or leave

[Grachi]

kinda seems like you took some ideas from say stay or leave

you could relate lyrics to any other song ever in the world if you tried hard enough.

I thought they were pretty good. I'd say like an 8/10

[T1nM4n]

to be perfectly honest i didnt take any ideas from stay or leave but yes i can see how it is related cuz it is kind of a similar theme, i jsut wrote about what is going on in my life right now

and thanks grachi 8/10 is more than i expected

thanks all

[T1nM4n]

laying in this heaven bed

I am picturing this verse to be a chorus type vibe, may I suggest changing heaven, to heavenly? I understand what your saying, but I think it could flow much better

o ya thats a typo, it actualy is heavenly

[sk8r]

kinda seems like you took some ideas from say stay or leave

with a little twist of say goodbye
but honestly i like the lyrics. it seems like something i would write on a better day of mine.

[6_strings_for_life]

kinda seems like you took some ideas from say stay or leave

with a little twist of say goodbye
but honestly i like the lyrics. it seems like something i would write on a better day of mine.

I also thought about say goodbye once i started reading. I really like the lyrics, although them seem to get weak near the end.