new song from the captain...

[captainp4]

Alright guys, little something me and my friends have been playing, just want to see what you guys think, opinions, suggestions welcome.

http://www.angelfire.com/music6/captainp4u1/_3.mp3

(right click-save target as...)

btw, i know i messed up the rhythm in a few spots, don't know what i was thinking.. but, you get the idea of it.

thanks!

[captainp4]

don't want to be impatient, but i think my post got skipped over with all the other originals that got posted right around the same time..

or maybe it sucked and you're avoiding telling me.

oh well, open for critique.

[MWR]

It's really hard to critique a song that's all harmony with no melody. If you have lyrics to this than please post a version with them.
The strumming and rythm were decent but you shouldn't use the same pattern throughout the song. That goes for the chord progression too. Structure-wise you basically have one verse so far. You could have it be one chord progression for the song but the melody needs to make up for that and theres not melody.

[fatjack]

the one thing that is most off is that there is really no rhythmic cohesion throughout the song, you just seem to randomly accent beats instead keeping a somewhat recognizable pattern

[captainp4]

thanks guys, my drummer wrote some lyrics for it, but the only thing he listens to is dmb and it shows in his lyrics.


fatjack: i though my strumming pattern was pretty much the same throughout, could you expain what you mean a little more?


lyrics:
Sometimes it's strange
How day after day
Will pass us by
And we never change

Always rushing around
Miss the important things
We never break
Never miss a beat

Or a step
But days ahead
We'll look back
And wonder where the good times went

(Chorus)
Little girl growing up so fast
Her perfect image of life
Will never last

She'll throw all her life away
Wishing for another time, another day
let it all fly by...



So what does it take?
To slow it down
Cherish your days
Your short life in this place

the lyrics aren't quite finished, but its somewhat of a start. critique on those is welcome too

thanks

[myxomatosis]

is your drummer dave matthews?