First original, please listen & critique: "Until"

[vinestreet98]

Hey all-
This is my first original song... I wrote it in 20 mins and recorded it in less.. It's not a flawless performance but I'm happy with it as a demo. Inspired by a recent breakup. Plz let me know your thoughts.

URL:
http://www.purevolume.com/maxjordan

Click the song title

Lyrics:

There's a stranger sleeping in my bed
And I can't distinguish if it's a time-bomb or a body
But it's cold under the sheets
And I know I used to feel some kind of heat

And I don't know what it's for anymore
When our hearts have closed the door
And it seems there's nothing to live for...

Until...

There's an angel sleeping in my bed
And I can't distinguish if it's a memory or a body
...Or neither at all
Until I lock the photographs away
And I can look back at myself and say this isn't good
Hasn't been for months

And I don't know what it's for anymore
When our hearts have closed the door
And it seems there's nothing to live for...

Until...

[vinestreet98]

anyone?

[TylerMoore]

People aren't very good at commenting in the music critique section, so I wouldn't hold your breath. I like this though. Its simple, but its nice. I like the increase in dynamics at the end, a lot of songs these days don't have any dynamic changes at all. (especially when you look at hip hop/pop on the radio)

[longleggedfrog]

Well I have to agree with tyler...most people don't comment unless they are really compelled to...ie they really have something good to say or are thoroughly impressed. With that said, I felt like the verses didn't match up. I understand you were using sort of a free form and not a perfect meter or rhyme but it still didn't work for me. The rhythm and vocal melody didn't feel seemless. In fact some lines or words felt crammed. The last part is nice but I couldn't get away from the fact that it was the last segment of the song repeated. Those types of endings can work when the build up prior to that works. I liked the guitar rhythm a lot. I liked the way you used the time bomb..that was really really good. But the words in that line aren't flowing....bomb is sort of a line ender...it's hard to continue after singing or saying the word bomb! You will find that words have a flow. Put an s on the end of bomb and you get your flow......and the word "distinquish"...forget about it. goodluck though...and bombs away.

[vinestreet98]

thanks for the comments!! this was a first take so yeah it seems like the words don't fit but that's largely just a result of my not really having practiced it enough. i have subsequently gotten the rhythm down in the 2nd verse- it's pretty much fully smoothed out, will post a new take when i can.

not sure i agree with the notes about finishing with bomb and distinguish not working, but definitely taken into consideration. you guys rock!!!!