Original song.. like some help on it

[TylerMoore]

My friend Andy and I play music together a lot for fun but we definately are no band or anything. This is a little song I wrote when I was bored sitting at the cafeteria where I worked over the summer (a hospital). The lyrics are pretty dumb like most of my songs, hah, and Andy heard the song for the first time about 5 minutes before we recorded this. If you guys have any tips for the song, let me know.

Its me playing rhythm (and singing poorly) with Andy playing the rhthm/leadish things

Thanks a lot guys.

here's the link: http://www.tylermoorephoto.com/RandomFi ... iaSong.mp3

[RunsWithBuffalo]

Very Jim Croce...ish. Your lead player is pretty good. The guitars sound pretty good together but there are a few spots the rhythm is dropped. Try recording with a metronome to avoid that.

The song structure is good, you kept it simple, and i like that. The lyrics leave a bit to be desired. I like the chorus

"baby you must think im crazy
for writing this here tune

But...

In the cafeteria room (this line sounds forced)

How about: "you're all I can think about this afternoon" or "I love you and I'll see you soon"

rhyming dictionaries are a great thing

http://www.rhymezone.com

I think you are selling yourself a bit short everywhere else. Don't write songs about how you are not a good songwriter, it just sounds unconfident. Writing a song that says you know you may never live up to what she deserves is good, but don't be so specific and talk just about the song within the song. It's almost too self aware.

I think you understand song structure very well but you just need to work on the writing a bit. Thats ok, you sig says you have been playing and i assume writing since 06, thats not a ton of time and you will be amazed how your writing will improve if you practice it every day.

Anyways, hope this helps

[TylerMoore]

hey thanks a lot.

If it sounds like we are fairly together its probably because i've known him my entire life and he is the one who basically taught me guitar. I have just started to try and write some songs the past summer because Andy writes the majority of the songs we play together, or we just do covers of stuff.


Its definately a work in progress though, so we'll see how it goes. Maybe we'll fiddle with some lyrics and I'll post a re-recording of it. Thanks a lot for all the feedback, it gets me excited to experiment with some other stuff. Playing your own songs is fun because you can go any way you want with them without "ruining the original".

[TylerMoore]

okay, you gave me a lot of ideas about the first one, so here are a couple songs we are trying to develope.


This first one I wrote, and the recording is all me, havent had a chance to record it with the both of us playing together yet. (this is why the solo basically just follows the notes in the chords).

http://www.tylermoorephoto.com/RandomFi ... Girl_2.mp3
I'd write the lyrics out, but I'd have to go back through and listen for them, because i'm not 100% what I sing sometimes.


This second one Andy and I just kind of came up with when we were jamming one time, and then we recorded one night when we were playing with our friend on the drums. The lyrics are completely stupid/rediculous, but oh well. The music is supposed to sound pretty staccado and syncopated. Its just my guitar, andy's electric, and pat on drums.
http://www.tylermoorephoto.com/RandomFiles/BirdSong.mp3


I'd like to know what you guys thought we should add/take away/change about these. Its hard to critique your own songs. Thanks a lot