Help me trim these lyrics

[RunsWithBuffalo]

So I like this song, it's about how much of a bastard I am, or was but mostly its about getting drunk, doing regretable things and seeking forgiveness in the unlikeliest of places, a diner.

However, I have overwritten it and i think its too long. So take a look if you please and if you have any sections that you think suck, tell me and i'll take them out.

Thanks
Ryan

The Diner

My apartment at eight a.m.
I woke up drunk on the floor
It was the third night in a row
Hell it might have even been more

All around me
The evidence lay
Beer cans and cigarettes
Wine bottles on display

It's a hell of a way to live
It's an even better way to die
That's what i tell myself
With a tear in each eye

But the morning always comes
And the sun never lets you (me) down
All is forgiven
At the diner in town
All is forgiven
At the diner in town

You only live once
Well maybe that's true
But I'd rather not live again
Unless it's with you

So I'm dead in the bar again
Beer soaked to the bone
I just don't want to go
Back to (face) my apartment alone

And when you go to sleep
I'll touch your skin to make sure
Put my shiny clothes on
And slip out without a word

Cause to me the nights just alleys
Dark loveless and cold
Footprints in the dirt
And the gravel hell they hold

But the morning always comes
And the sun never lets you down
All is forgiven
At the diner in town
All is forgiven
At the diner in town

Coffee's old and stale
Waitress is skinny and pale
But all is forgiven
At the diner in town
All is forgiven
At the diner in town

The drunks and the streets
The low lifes and the cheats
All is forgiven
At the diner in town
All is forgiven
At the diner in town

But the morning always comes
And the sun never lets you down
All is forgiven
At the diner in town

[ut4ever8]

First off I like the lyrics as a whole. I read through it twice and both time, this section "And when you go to sleep 'll touch your skin to make sure Put my shiny clothes on And slip out without a word" stuck out as a part you could do without. Its a nice verse of lyrics just seems a bit out of place. Mainly because most of the song is about drinking and then you even threw in a love line "not living again unless its with you". So it sounds a little weird to talk about a one night stand with someone else. Almost seems like two different songs there. Anyways thats my .02

[Banjobach]

Hmm i like how this flows only one verse doesn't seem as compelling as the rest. Is it a verse or stanza? well in any case its the first one. Im not sure what to offer as far as making it more compelling. Maybe use some more sensory details like the hand sanitizer smelling like vodka and making you want to spew im not sure. But yeah something other than visual would be a nice touch. I really like the line "Its an even better way to die" that was one of those "oo nice" moments. As ut4ever said, the first part is about a guy who party's too hard and then comes in the longing for someone. Maybe if you could incorporate her not being there in the beginning it would flow better. It sounds like it would be catchy. If you could post a recording so i can get an idea of the melody that would be great. But as its looking, it will probably drag past 4 minutes if sung casually.
Sorry that wasnt much help in terms of making it smaller. Hopefully by fusing the two ideas of longing and partying too much, you can shorten away some verses.

[RunsWithBuffalo]

Thanks guys, i see what you are saying and ill try to post a recording tommorow.

Keep it coming if ya got it!

[AustinG]

Please post the recording.. It will help.. I've got a couple ideas, but have someone in from out of town at the moment.. I'll be sure to put the ideas to the keys on Sunday.

peace brother

[lyrics101]

I cut out anything which was unnecessary, especially those which are already implied by the surrounding lyrics:

(NO NEED TO SPECIFY THE TIME, IT DOESN'T MOVE THE STORY FORWARD)
I woke up on the floor
It was the third night in a row
Hell it might have even been more

(THE FOLLOWING LYRICS TELL US YOU'RE FUCKING YOURSELF UP, SO WHY TELL US HOW? LEAVE IT IMPLIED)

It's a hell of a way to live
It's an even better way to die
That's what i tell myself
(HERE WE CAN ALREADY TELL YOU REGRET, SO NO TEARS)

(AGAIN, WE KNOW IT'S MORNING, THE SUN EMPHASIZES THAT MORE)
And the sun never lets you (me) down
All is forgiven
At the diner in town
All is forgiven
At the diner in town

You only live once
Well maybe that's true
But I'd rather not live again
Unless it's with you

So I'm dead in the bar again
Beer soaked to the bone
I just don't want to go
Back to (face) my apartment alone

And when you go to sleep
I'll touch your skin to make sure
Put my (WHY SHINY? WHY DO WE CARE) clothes on
And slip out (OF COURSE WITHOUT A WORD, SHE'S ASLEEP -- ANOTHER WORD BESIDES SLIP WILL TELL US ALL WE NEED TO KNOW)

(WHY 'CAUSE TO ME'? YOU'RE NOT CONTRASTING ANYTHING, SO THE LISTENER ALREADY KNOWS IT'S YOU)
the nights just alleys
Dark loveless and cold
Footprints in the dirt
And the gravel hell they hold

And the sun never lets you down
All is forgiven
At the diner in town
All is forgiven
At the diner in town

Coffee's old and stale
(THE WAITRESS ISN'T IMPORTANT AND DOESN'T TELL AS MUCH ABOUT THE TYPE OF DINER YOU'RE IN AS STALE COFFEE DOES)
But all is forgiven
At the diner in town
All is forgiven
At the diner in town

The drunks and the streets (DO YOU WANT TO SAY DRUNKS OR LOWLIFES? THEY READ THE SAME. PICK ONE)
The low lifes and the cheats
All is forgiven
At the diner in town
All is forgiven
At the diner in town

And the sun never lets you down
All is forgiven
At the diner in town

[RunsWithBuffalo]

Lyrics...Vicious...and to the point!

Love it, thank you, i see what you are saying, and will rework those lines

I never liked that beer and cigarettes verse

[ut4ever8]

Lyrics where do you come up with this stuff? Please direct me to songwriting 101. I want to be able to do that.

[afurth]

my tips for songwriting.

- utilize themes that are creative, but relate to the subject matter of the song

- also, be implicit in the use of images that relate to the themes you have established and developed throughout (rather than titling a song "i hate my father and my mother can do better," call it "betterman" and present scenes and images - thanks eddie)

- ALWAYS revise lyrics - never see them as "set in stone" and you'll end up with a better finished product.

- don't be too out there - you have to toe the line between lyrical honesty and implicit imagery.

[lyrics101]

Lyrics where do you come up with this stuff? Please direct me to songwriting 101. I want to be able to do that.

There's some enormous post buried in the depths of this forum where I went on a ten-page rampage of my own philosophy, which often I don't live up to myself. But then, I've always been a better editor.