Song I'm workin on

[mbent4679]

I think the beat sounds a bit redundant. Tell me what you guys think.

http://www.sendspace.com/file/mnc4te

Here we are
Floating round
No attention
But where screamin loud

Is there any body out there
Notice are ranting would they even care
are we not loud enough to capture any other souls

I there any meaning
In what we do
or are we just spining here
without a clue
workin against ourselves
the ice to melt
what for
another war.

Way these days
warming creeps up on us
as we go loud screamin
round and round
till we all fall down

[RunsWithBuffalo]

I dont think the beat is redundant because there isnt one. If you are referring to the rhythm of the song, i think its fine and you would be able to break it up with other instrumentation and arrangement.

You need some work on the hard to hit notes and the long drawn out part at the end.

I think some doubled vocals on the chorus would be great.

This song has potential, keep at it and repost it when you feel like its done.

[mbent4679]

thnx For the tip about the chorus. The high g was a bit weak I'll work on that.

[mbent4679]

Any thoughts about lyrics? Did I get my point across?

[Kahn]

I think the line "Is there anybody out there" was made pretty famous by Pink Floyd. I would change it.

[a1075dd63aa12]

"the round and round til we all fall down" was used by someone too, i just cant put my finger on it.

also at least for the sake of critiquing strictly lyrics you may want to work on using the proper word in the proper place. For instance, our and are, where, and we're, way and weigh unless you are saying something that just completely doesnt make sense.

here are the lyrics i would tentatively keep:

Is there any meaning
In what we do?
or are we just spining here
without a clue?

[mbent4679]

I think the line "Is there anybody out there" was made pretty famous by Pink Floyd. I would change it.

Damn your right.

[mbent4679]

I think the line "Is there anybody out there" was made pretty famous by Pink Floyd. I would change it.

What if I changed it to

"is there anybody up there."

[mbent4679]

[quote="wkpggrvn2001"]"the round and round til we all fall down" was used by someone too, i just cant put my finger on it.

I'm gunna keep that until some finds out who it's from. Reference to nursury rhymes are great if not used in a song yet.

all around the mulberry bush is what its refering to

[mbent4679]

[quote="wkpggrvn2001"]"the round and round til we all fall down" was used by someone too, i just cant put my finger on it.

I'm gunna keep that until some finds out who it's from. Reference to nursury rhymes are great if not used in a song yet.

all around the mulberry bush is what its refering to

[a1075dd63aa12]

I think the line "Is there anybody out there" was made pretty famous by Pink Floyd. I would change it.

What if I changed it to

"is there anybody up there."

BINGO!!! I like it...Go with it!

[a1075dd63aa12]

"the round and round til we all fall down" was used by someone too, i just cant put my finger on it.

I'm gunna keep that until some finds out who it's from. Reference to nursury rhymes are great if not used in a song yet.

all around the mulberry bush is what its refering to

I'm gunna keep that until some finds out who it's from. Reference to nursury rhymes are great if not used in a song yet.

all around the mulberry bush is what its refering to

touche

[mbent4679]

I think the line "Is there anybody out there" was made pretty famous by Pink Floyd. I would change it.

What if I changed it to

"is there anybody up there."

BINGO!!! I like it...Go with it!

Sarcasm? Is it to close to the original?

[Kahn]

Dave uses that nursery rhyme in Gravedigger

[a1075dd63aa12]

Dave uses that nursery rhyme in Gravedigger

damn thats where it was from.