help me out with these lyrics

[rockyall107]

ive been in this band for a good year...but we've been lacking a voice...so i stepped up and tried filling in the roll...ive written lyrics before..but i would appreciate it if you guys can critique and help me out with these lyrics..

the songs called "oh brother" or.."brother" or "oh my brother" ...i dont know yet..

Oh brother
find me some work
what is this world?
and why do we hurt?
please save me now?
cause this wont last..
ill come to you if this moment will pass..
and do you think..
that love will rule?
do you see the pig smilin?
do you see that fool?
and ill find someway to change the world..
will it end my way
will it end with a girl..

Brother..
Brother..
ohh brother..

you know the man up there?
do you think hes pissed?
are we so blinded from all hes riskeD?
believe it or not..
im afraid thers no in between..
cause your either livin in ditches..
or you live with a queen..

ill find some way..
to live you give out your soul..
ive met inspiration..
old mans livin and bold.
and if your still tryiin to cover my eyes..
lemme see now brother through the dark i'll seek out the light..

oh brother!!

[rockyall107]

please? anyone

[jellyfish]

please? anyone

They are good. I see way too many "Dave" impressions in there, which is fine until you get a bit more versatile at writing.

[jellyfish]

ive been in this band for a good year...but we've been lacking a voice...so i stepped up and tried filling in the roll...ive written lyrics before..but i would appreciate it if you guys can critique and help me out with these lyrics..

the songs called "oh brother" or.."brother" or "oh my brother" ...i dont know yet..

Oh brother
find me some work
what is this world?
and why do we hurt?
please save me now?
cause this wont last..
ill come to you if this moment will pass..
and do you think..
that love will rule?
do you see the pig smilin?
do you see that fool?
and ill find someway to change the world..
will it end my way
will it end with a girl..

Brother..
Brother..
ohh brother..

you know the man up there?
do you think hes pissed?
are we so blinded from all hes riskeD?
believe it or not..
im afraid thers no in between..
cause your either livin in ditches..
or you live with a queen..

ill find some way..
to live you give out your soul
ive met inspiration..
old mans livin and bold.
and if your still tryiin to cover my eyes..
lemme see now brother through the dark i'll seek out the light..

oh brother!!

Some words or terms that Dave uses quite a bit.

[rockyall107]

yea its unfinished as well...it helps sometimes to throw in phrases...im also overcoming the biggest writers block ever also haha...but other than those dave phrases...its good?

[crandog74]

i think it sounds really good. for me it's a little more difficult to read them like poetry though. you don't happen to have a recording of the song, do you?

[paulaitchison]

that type of song must be handles with great care so as not to become to sentimental and a real clechay...(cant speel it,)......
i totaly dig what the song is about, and how your trying to express it.....but dont try and cover to much ground in one song let alone in one verse...... if its about a "brother" then develope that idea, if its about a girl develope that, often poeple try and cover to much ground with lyrics......dave for one...(but hes very good at getting away with it.)
retorical questions are good but use in moderation, i counted 9.......... they arnt the only means of generating despair and longing in you lyrics

also agree with the copy cat dave thing......

good effort though.....please dont think me over critical, not my intent...... , id like to hear it when its done......post it.......brotherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[jellyfish]

Those lyrics can be broken down into two or three songs. Some of the best songs only have two verses and 4 choruses.

[rockyall107]

thanks guys...yea im gonna go back and work on it alittle more...cut things out and what not...and ill try and get it recorded and post it up here