Song Lyrics- Maybe a little harsh

[sunglassesatnight]

Please give me honest opinions.

Ladies listen to those who tell you
Put away your white dress
Boys turn up your ears
To hear the sound of this mess
Both believe, though it may feel right
You’ve made the wrong choice on this autumn night

Tell you what
You know you’re falling down the wrong path
Run by your brothers and sisters before you
Don’t dare bear their wrath

Take off your ties, your sport coats and your hats
Stand by the side of the friends you didn’t buy
Then hearts, they fall like rocks down hills
When you’ve no one left; no drink can cure your ills

Leave behind those you saw once as your people
Find new ones with whom you imbibe and you steal

Force you they do, your so called friends
But they’re quick to slip out when the revelry ends
So go off to school, child
Buy yourself a new identity
But they’re the ones who’ll hate you
So hide yourself behind the cloak of this insanity

Boys, find yourself a girl with whom to sleep,
Picked from the wrong group, you’ll find she’s hard to keep
Goes around just as much as you my friend,
For what do you care, a quick night won’t be the end

Drink yourself drowned, true ladies and gents
Last night what you said is certainly not what you meant
Debutants and boyfriends, enjoy times in festive garb
For the substance you share soon becomes sharp as a barb

Take off your ties, your sport coats and your hats
Stand by the side of the friends you didn’t buy
Then hearts, they fall like rocks down hills
When you’ve no one left; no drink can cure your ills

[i like tictacs]

They were good for the most part, but I think you tried too hard to force a rhyme in many places

[sunglassesatnight]

They were good for the most part, but I think you tried too hard to force a rhyme in many places

Probably right.

[sunglassesatnight]

Thanks for all the replies boys.

[Machtimus]

loved it.

what is bad if i heard it as a rap song?

[sunglassesatnight]

loved it.

what is bad if i heard it as a rap song?

I guess that was, "Was it bad if I heard it as a rap song?"
I say no. Maybe I'll get a little balsy and record it.

[Ryeguy]

thats awesome man.. maybe condense it a bit.. but other than that its pretty wicked...especially "So hide yourself behind the cloak of this insanity"...

[DMB Joy Ride]

As a fellow songwriting musician, I can really respect you for posting lyrics and putting them up for criticism, that's not an easy thing to do. But man, you pulled it off, great lyrics, there seemed to be one or two forced rhymes, but those are almost impossible to avoid, if you do record it I'd love to hear what music goes with those, good job

[sunglassesatnight]

Thanks to everyone who responded.