the beginings of a new song

[T1nM4n]

ok so i started this song obviously when it was storming out, its jsut the begining im still working on it, i just wanted to know what everyone thought of it

http://s19.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=21VJ ... QQL26699W2

Lyrics
Im on the inside looking through this frame
im sick and tired of all this rain
lightening casts it's darkened shadow
the thunder makes my whole room rattle

brainstorm inside my head
its arainstorm onto my bed
im sick and tired of laying here
im so tired of staying here

[Kahn]

I like the first two lines of the chorus. You're voice gets out of key several times. Finish the song and post it again. Try to spice up your lyrical melody, and add a bridge or a pre-chorus or something with a different tempo and strumming pattern to change the song up. Nice job, keep it up.

[T1nM4n]

ya i plan on extending it and flushing it out more, thats jsut sumthing i whiped up really quick, thank you for the input, i really want to cahnge the 2nd two lines of chorus, but thats what i have untill i think of sumthing else

thanks

[Grandpagotgame]

Sounds a lot like Butterfly

[T1nM4n]

Sounds a lot like Butterfly

by who

[T1nM4n]

nvm
forgot the dave song, i never even heard that one

[Brock]

Sounds a lot like Butterfly

by who

Crazy Town, of course.

[Usaj88]

Sounds a lot like Butterfly

by who

Crazy Town, of course.

Oh how I miss that song