Seasons Greetings (please critique)

[seanbryantkbq]

Its one of the first songs for my side solo album im doing. the album follows a love story from start to end, and this song is basically the hopeful beginning.

http://s5.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=2YPAQ ... 3N0A06YJLR



heres the lyrics:

Seasons Greetings (Copyright)

Yea you know I would wait forever
To build you a home with white fences around the side
Wake your mornings to light music and coffee
Pick you a flower from time to time

Maybe we’ll watch the fish in the river
Take in our share of the twilight
Pray southern passion is enough to give ya
When the rain falls outside

(I hope you take me)

So when comes the winter
Of the year…of our lives
If it’s warmth you need, well I figured
Under the blankets me and you could hide

In the spring please let me take you
Have a glass of wine in the outside chairs
Kiss your lips, or kiss your fingers
Shed our clothes for summer skin

(I hope you take me)

So I would wait forever
For you to build your home by my side
Catch the fireflies after the evening’s dinner
Lay down next to you at night

In my eyes are your reflections
For you to find yourself…

[seanbryantkbq]

umm anyone. i know most of you hate me, but i would really like it if u could help me with this song.

[Kahn]

I like your voice a lot. With the initial listen, I cant catch any bad notes.

For some reason, I dont like the "Fish in the River" line. It seems to me you couldnt think of a line to put there so you slapped that together.

The actual song as a whole:

I love it. Period. It makes me feel, I dont know, nostalgic. Weird, huh? I like it a lot. It has a super mellow groove.

Guitar sound quality needs lots of improvement. I dont know if its your mic or something, but it just doesnt sound that good to me. Maybe thats the tone you were going for, I dont know.

All in all, I love the song.

Edit: at around 3:40 you go off key slightly several times. Nothing too rough though.

Edit 2: I really like that "pick you a flower from time to time" line for some reason

[longleggedfrog]

I really like the guitar. It's easy to listen to, has a bit of hookyness to it. The vocal.....I'm not so sure about. It just didn't work for me man. The inflection you put at the end of each line isn't enough. I don't know if it needs to rhyme, or if the lyrics need to flow better, just seemed like a bunch of words put together. rather than this flowing melodic song. I think maybe the guitar part is so nice that the lyrics can't hold up to it.....anyway, I'm just trying to figure it out as I write and I don't want to sound mean, because I really like the guitar. The "I hope you take me" part doesn't flow for me either....I can't quite pin point it. That's the best I can come up with. Keep it up.