*UPDATED* Two originals - Please critique! *****UPDATED*****

[Coldchillin]

I hope these are ok. I have never posted much of anything on here.

Edit: Empty Room is redone and Soundtrack is new. PLEASE listen. It means a lot to me. Thanks in advance! I'd love to hear from those who heard Empty Room the first time too! Thanks!

Empty Room

Soundtrack

[dmbguitar718]

ah, i just pm'd the links.

[Appfro]

Empty room
cool progression. kinda 90's grunge w/o the distorted loud chorus. the lyrics aren't bad, the only suggestion i would put in is don't try so hard to rhyme. it isn't the most important thing about the song, the words are. also, you should try words that seem to rhyme but don't. if you don't knwo what i'm talking about then next time when you listen to a song write down all the words that rhyme and you'll see that a lot of them don't actually rhyme. it's just the way the artist says them. kind of adds something if you ask me. a good song though.

Forever Far
The very first chord will make you think DDTW but i think it's just the rhythm. good little walk down progression. i love those

the only part of the song i don't like is around the 1:07 mark the "so we will" part. it almost sounds like you just make that up because you forgot the real words. you can draw out the words in a different way to make it sound better if yo udidn't want to change the words. like instead of drawing out "so" and "will" and making "we" short, give each word the same amount of beats. sooo weee wiill and kind of drag will into the next line w/o taking a breath. just something i thought of. either i think that whole section before "forever far" should flow better.

the rest of the song is really good. maybe refer to the advice about struggling to make words rhyme, but both are solid songs. i like the "stop...don't wait..." part. makes for a good ending to the song too. good job.

[Coldchillin]

Empty room
cool progression. kinda 90's grunge w/o the distorted loud chorus. the lyrics aren't bad, the only suggestion i would put in is don't try so hard to rhyme. it isn't the most important thing about the song, the words are. also, you should try words that seem to rhyme but don't. if you don't knwo what i'm talking about then next time when you listen to a song write down all the words that rhyme and you'll see that a lot of them don't actually rhyme. it's just the way the artist says them. kind of adds something if you ask me. a good song though.

Forever Far
The very first chord will make you think DDTW but i think it's just the rhythm. good little walk down progression. i love those

the only part of the song i don't like is around the 1:07 mark the "so we will" part. it almost sounds like you just make that up because you forgot the real words. you can draw out the words in a different way to make it sound better if yo udidn't want to change the words. like instead of drawing out "so" and "will" and making "we" short, give each word the same amount of beats. sooo weee wiill and kind of drag will into the next line w/o taking a breath. just something i thought of. either i think that whole section before "forever far" should flow better.

the rest of the song is really good. maybe refer to the advice about struggling to make words rhyme, but both are solid songs. i like the "stop...don't wait..." part. makes for a good ending to the song too. good job.

Thank you very much! Your response was very helpful and I appreciate you taking the time to listen and to offer those suggestions!

[longleggedfrog]

Empty room - I like it. I was ready for the chorus after the first verse though......at a couple points I was ready for the song to really take off. It just seems like its building up to something big, but then you have a slow paced chorus.....rock it out man. That song needs some anger in the chorus........something like.....I can't take this fuckin shit no more.....I could break the walls down or kick in the door. something that jumps out and smacks us. That is just my suggestion, other than that I felt like you had something pretty good. And I enjoyed listening to it.

forever far - i like the tempo and the guitar sounds great. I wasn't blown away by the lyrics but I didn't hate them either. I would definitely listen to it again. You really have some good ideas and interesting stuff. Have you just started writing songs are have you been doing it for awhile? Keep it up.

kenny

[Coldchillin]

Empty room - I like it. I was ready for the chorus after the first verse though......at a couple points I was ready for the song to really take off. It just seems like its building up to something big, but then you have a slow paced chorus.....rock it out man. That song needs some anger in the chorus........something like.....I can't take this fuckin shit no more.....I could break the walls down or kick in the door. something that jumps out and smacks us. That is just my suggestion, other than that I felt like you had something pretty good. And I enjoyed listening to it.

forever far - i like the tempo and the guitar sounds great. I wasn't blown away by the lyrics but I didn't hate them either. I would definitely listen to it again. You really have some good ideas and interesting stuff. Have you just started writing songs are have you been doing it for awhile? Keep it up.

kenny

Thank you very much for the generous and helpful comments. These are the first two songs I ever wrote. Maybe I'll keep writing. I do know what you mean about Empty Room. It has a bore factor through the roof. I love that riff. Maybe I will keep the chorus, but bang it out instead of mellow finger pick. Any other suggestions?

[Coldchillin]

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[jmasta]

good job, your voice fits really well on empty room, I'd like to hear the song done with drums. Other than that I have nothing bad to say about the song. Keep up the good work

[longleggedfrog]

I really feel like you have something pretty cool. I enjoyed listening to it and I like some of the effects that you put on it. Your vocal is pretty good, should cut the P's into sections and lower the volume on them and/or get a pop filter. I'm starting to get very specific, because overall I like what you got going on, but.....with that said, I don't know what the Spine of the song is, what is it about. Just being alone in a room. You say the word alone several times, and you describe the room and you kind of describe things plainly....you need to describe with a little more character. Such as....my soul's as bare as the cold empty floor. something like that, rather than, sitting on a cold floor in a room with no windows. Maybe I'm missing some of the lyrics, but I'm just not sure why you are suffocating...... Hope this helps and keep em coming, you are definitely on to something.

[Coldchillin]

I really feel like you have something pretty cool. I enjoyed listening to it and I like some of the effects that you put on it. Your vocal is pretty good, should cut the P's into sections and lower the volume on them and/or get a pop filter. I'm starting to get very specific, because overall I like what you got going on, but.....with that said, I don't know what the Spine of the song is, what is it about. Just being alone in a room. You say the word alone several times, and you describe the room and you kind of describe things plainly....you need to describe with a little more character. Such as....my soul's as bare as the cold empty floor. something like that, rather than, sitting on a cold floor in a room with no windows. Maybe I'm missing some of the lyrics, but I'm just not sure why you are suffocating...... Hope this helps and keep em coming, you are definitely on to something.

That's great. I appreciate the help. This is exactly what I need to hear. It seems like you enjoy the song to some degree and that makes me happy. Thanks a ton!