The Hideaway - Original Song

[DmbDan]

One of my first orginals. If you guys have a minute, take a listen / have a look and let me know what you think. Good / bad / indifferent, just trying to get some feedback outside of what my friends are telling me (I think they might be a little biased )

The Hideaway

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvo5o9VhDU4

Moon shine bright and shadows cast
On the ground around
Below this grey-lit sky
I've come tonight this one time
This first time all alone
Before I'm gone away
It weren't a plan up in my head
But I knew where it led
As we climbed inside
And laid out on this T-shirt bed
In tree fort hideaway
We stare at the stars
I barely know you better than
The you I first met
Only one week before
But none the less I still adore
The way your angel hair
Falls over bright eyes

And those beautiful eyes see a beautiful world
This beautiful smile on a beautiful girl
Some sell their souls for fortune and fame
But I'd trade it all to hear you call my name

A meeting place a ways away
Yet still quite safe here
On warm August night
And long-spoken words be gone
Fade to whisperng lips
And these tangled tongues
They tell the tale until the dawn
Comes along to
Send us on our ways
So innocent, yet so intense
Come away with me
If only for tonight
Girl I know barely more than a kiss
And nothing serious
That'll complicate the times
But savor moments here with me
So short lived
But always in my memory

Beautiful eyes see a beautiful world
This beautiful smile on a beautiful girl
Some sell their souls for fortune and fame
But I'd trade it all just to hear you call my name
We live in a world of give and take
But we shape our lives from the love we make

[ut4ever8]

I liked the guitar playing alot. Its very easy to see where your influences are coming from on guitar style with all of the "dave chords" and the fact that you play all the same guitars he does. I wish I could afford those guitars. Its a catchy riff, the only thing I would point out is that the guitar work is a little too repetitive for how long the song is. It just seems to be missing a little something. Nice work. Keep posting.

[DmbDan]

Thanks for your insight. I'll definitely give it a look and see what can be done about changing it up a little somewhere.

[markTR]

Nice guitars for sure

It's alright, definitely a little repetitive, maybe spend less time on the verse and more on the chorus? I'd also try to add a bridge of some sort too. Pretty good though, keep posting

[Coldchillin]

I don't have headphones here at work, but looking at the lyrics it looks long. It also looks like you might have more words than you need to.

[DmbDan]

Hey guys. Took a look at the lyrics and decided there was indeed some fat that could be trimmed and still keep the meaning. I've posted the edited version. Still working on a different little progression to shake it up a little. Someone on ants.org suggested a different playing/singing melody as well, so I'll mess around with that a little and see what I come up with.

Moon shine bright and shadows cast
On the ground around
Below this grey-lit sky
We're laid out on this T-shirt bed
In tree fort hideaway
We stare at the stars
I barely know you better than
The you I first met
Only one week before
But none the less I still adore
The way your angel hair
Falls over bright eyes

And those beautiful eyes see a beautiful world
This beautiful smile on a beautiful girl
Some sell their souls for fortune and fame
But I'd trade it all to hear you call my name

Long-spoken words now be gone
Fade to whispering lips
And these tangled tongues
So innocent, yet so intense
Stay with me
If only for tonight
Girl I know its barely more than a kiss
And nothing serious
To complicate the times
Savor moments here with me
So short lived
But always in my memory

Beautiful eyes see a beautiful world
This beautiful smile on a beautiful girl
Some sell their souls for fortune and fame
But I'd trade it all just to hear you call my name
We live in this world of give and take
But we shape our lives from the love we make